By Sarah Keating
Elm Staff Writer

Why did the hippies ever have to leave the 1970s? Obviously, Woodstock wasn’t enough. Now their organic apple children aren’t falling far from the mother tree, and these vintage environmentalists are raising their shoeless, bra-less, tofu-eating love children to “save everything that breathes.” And after last summer’s successful sabotage of a Japanese whaling ship, these berry-and-bark-eating families found a new target: my car. Winston, the ever-loveable, ever-thirsty Land Rover passes gas faster than a bean eating vegetarian.

I get plenty of sneering looks from fellow drivers. Usually, since their hybrid cars reach my mud flaps, they shoot their grimacing glances upwards. As the tree approved, so-environmentally-sustainable-that-water-comes-out-of-their-muffler cars accelerate past me, I get a full flashing of the bumpers tatooed with “My Child is An Honorable Recycler.”

What makes these tree huggers think their car is better? Smart cars and hybrids say they are better for the environment, but in reality, how smart are Smart cars? These eco-friendly, soapbox-sized cars probably have proportionate cotton ball-sized air bags. Who cares whether you saved gas if you don’t survive the impact of a collision? You think you are helping the earth? Think again.

Al Gore should actually have titled his movie “A Convenient Lie.” His distortment of scientific data has sent many people into an environmental crusade, falling right into the latest consumor marketing trap.

Eco-activism has spawned a boost in consumer spending as people rush to replace their already existing products and appliances. How many green products have you purchased? Like most unsuspecting consumers, you probably purchased a new water bottle, new grocery store shopping bags, new shirts, and tote bags with recycle signs. If you’re trying to be the ultimate eco-greener, you might have bought a new car. You think the Toyota Prius is better for the environment because it runs on a battery? Actually, this lithium battery is worse for the environment, since limited facilities are capable of breaking it down. Burning gas is not as bad for th environment as propaganda would leave you to believe. Advertisers forget to tell you that carbon emissions from cars are nothing compared to the emissions of developing countries burning coal.

Have you ever tried watching the Discovery Channel with a global warming sympathizer? Its traumatizing. They actually blame themselves for the fact that the sad-faced fuzzy baby seal pup doesn’t have its mother. They have the World Wildlife Fund on speed dial, and every time the infomercial with the panda appears, people call the toll free number to donate a dollar. How can they believe that burning fossil fuels has to do with Darwin’s natural selection? The baby seal doesn’t have it’s mother because either a polar bear was hungry or seal fur hats were all the rage in Paris this winter. These brainwashed numbchucks are welcome to their incessant obviousness, as long as it doesn’t affect my lifestyle.

But my car is my lifestyle. When these hemp-wearing flower children start restricting my car type’s production, it agitages me. Since the government has current ownership of General Motors, the democratic administration has wasted no time instituting reform. Requiring an inflated 35 mile per gallon standard which is at least 25 mpg more than Bentleys, Obama, you can take my access to timely healthcare and tax me down to nickles but please leave my fuel economy standards alone. No one is impeding the production and sale of size 14 XXL string bikinis, so don’t restrict my freedom on consumption. These high miles per gallon standards make the future of SUVs look dim. However, it is made dimmer due to the fact that Hummer production will be terminated as of May 1.

Bigger is better. Hummers are the biggest, so what could possibly be better? Nothing, unless you could get the security clearance required for driving an actual combat vehicle on civilian roads. If I wanted to drive a battery powered, electric car, I would borrow my little brother’s remote control Hot Wheels. There’s a feeling I get when I step up into my gas guzzling car, so respect that.

Cars have sterotypes. You seldom see an NFL linebacker driving a minivan mom’s grocery mobile and Granny didn’t go car shopping at the hot rod show. I am a SUV, so don’t take that away from me. Not everyone is going to roll with a vegetable oil-powered engine.

The Elm

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