Disclaimer: The article below is completely fabricated and parodied for The Elm's annual April Fools edition. Enjoy but remember none of it is factual.

Letters to the Editor: Freshman Comments on College Life

By Lucy Goosey
Shut Up, Freshman

To the Editor,

Hi! My name is Lucy, and I’m proud to be a freshman at WC! GOOOSE NATION!!!! I wanted to write because of an issue that I’ve seen all around the campus lately: a lack of school spirit. I hear it all the time while I’m walking around Hodson clutching my tray full of delicious food: “I go to ‘whack,’ I hate the food at ‘whack,’ I hate it here at ‘whack.’” A college education isn’t “whack,” people!

Sincerely,
Lucy, Class of 2016
Secretary, Washington College Alcohol Awareness Club

To the Editor,

Hi! It’s Lucy again. I want to talk about a serious problem I’ve seen around campus lately: a lack of awareness campaigns. If we don’t make people aware of the world’s problems, how can we expect someone else to solve them for us? In the summer before I started here at WC, I came up with three complete awareness campaigns. The first club that I founded was the Alcohol Awareness Club, and after months of hard work, along with our faculty sponsor, I think we have finally made the campus aware that alcohol exists here. We are now working on our second club, the Cancer Awareness Club. Cancer kills people, but can we really say that we all know about cancer? Are we aware that cancer exists? Exactly!

Sincerely,
Lucy, Class of 2016
Secretary, Washington College Alcohol Awareness Club
Treasurer, Washington College Cancer Awareness Club

To the Editor,

Hi! It’s Lucy. I know I’ve written a lot of letters this week but I guess I just have a lot to say! I’ve had a great time here during my first year at WC. I’ve successfully founded three awareness clubs, and I think I’ve had a great impact on making the campus aware of crucial issues facing my fellow students. But there is a serious gap in education here. Something I’ve heard a lot about from my new sorority sisters is the lack of an incredibly important degree certification. By not allowing students to strive for a Matrimonial Responsibility Specialization (MRS) Degree, my fellow sisters and I are forced to waste our time in meaningless academic classes when we could be working on much more important things, like setting up a speed-dating service or a wedding planning course. WC claims to prepare us for life, but how can they sort my life out without making sure that I find the man who will provide for me?

Sincerely,
Lucy, Class of 2016
Secretary, Washington College Alcohol Awareness Club
Treasurer, Washington College Cancer Awareness Club
Founder, Washington College Sisterhood of the MRS Degree

To the Editor,

Hi! It’s me again, Lucy! I don’t understand why everybody is making such a big deal about SGA salaries. I totally understand why the SGA executive board gets paid around $1400 a term, and no one else does. The stuff they do is just so much more important! After all, if we didn’t have an SGA, how could we have SGA elections? These thrilling events really bring the campus together. It’s so much fun to see politics in action. Not to mention the SGA executive board doesn’t even get paid minimum wage for all of the hours they put in! After all, I would have never spent the time founding three separate awareness clubs if I wasn’t skimming 10 percent off the top every time we get allocated money! In fact, people on the campus just don’t want to do anything when they don’t get paid: that’s why we don’t have sports teams, drama productions, charity clubs, campus events, political action organizations, fraternities and sororities, and anything else that actually requires students to put in a bit of extra work! When I found out that the SGA increased their own salaries a few years ago, I was actually happy. After all, the SGA executive board clearly works much harder than they did a few years ago! All I know is that I for one am happy about being part of the 10 percent or so of the campus whose student activities fees goes not to student activities, but to paying the salaries of people who so clearly deserve to be paid for what others clearly would not gladly do for free.

Sincerely,
Lucy, Class of 2016
Secretary, Washington College Alcohol Awareness Club
Treasurer, Washington College Cancer Awareness Club
Founder, Washington College Sisterhood of the Mrs. Degree

Speak Your Mind

Tell us what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!

 

  • Archives