A Call To Legs: Down With Sidewalks

By The Elm - Mar 29,2014@11:36 am

A crumbling sidewalk is proof the sidewalk rebellion is happening.Photo by Katie Despeaux

A crumbling sidewalk is proof the sidewalk rebellion is happening.
Photo by Katie Despeaux

By Passionately Pissed
Leader of the Sidewalk Rebellion

Imagine, if you will, a scenario in which you’re walking along, minding your own business and having a good time. You just had the best lunch of the week, had an intimate conversation with your bestie, and the birds are literally singing “A Smile and a Song.” Everything is right with the world.

That is, everything seems right until you inevitably look down to tie your shoes, and the harsh reality of the world smacks you right in the foot!

What’s that beneath you? It’s a f****** sidewalk! What is this bullshit! What are these slabs of concrete which have suddenly appeared underneath me, persisting with me towards my final destination, as if they knew I was going this way, as if they knew I was an unoriginal thinker incapable of making up my own destiny in life?!

Sidewalks, unbeknownst to most people, are part of an unfortunate reality which has been driving our world into turmoil since 1623, when the English first decided these constant superfluous guides should become a mandatory part of civilization’s routine. For too long sidewalks have been dictating and mandating the course of our lives. They have been setting a path which they insist we must follow, plotting our every step and following our every move, day in and day out.

Sidewalks began as a simple suggestion, a calm hint at how we might want to travel throughout our day. But now, by the 21st century, they have all but evolved into an insidious doctrine! We have all but lost the ability to take a step outside without a sidewalk, pathway, road, or supplemental patch of dirt insisting that there is a right way to walk, a certain way we must inevitably go as part of the human machine.

Don’t believe me? Look around the outside world. I bet you can’t scan your surroundings for more than one second without seeing one of those concrete directional institutions. Sidewalks are everywhere: next to the road, next to the other side of the road, leading up to the very dorm you live in! They persist in every walk of life, constantly insisting that we have places to be, people to see, lives to lead, as if we have nothing to do.

Try an experiment. Open the door to your dorm and walk outside. One step and BOOM, you’re on a f****** a sidewalk! Take it one step further and OH SNAP you’re still on that sidewalk! Already the sidewalk has you moving in a forward direction to God knows where. The dining hall? But what if you don’t want to go to the dining hall? Surely you just veer away from the sidewalk and start walking in another direction, perhaps to the practice fields. That sounds like fun! However, as soon as you take the first three steps towards those fields, KABLAM, you’re on yet another damn sidewalk! Here you are, trying to enjoy your own original decision to go to the practice fields, and the sidewalk pops in like a regular punk and insists that you, in fact, want to go to those fields. What unbelievable gall! All you’re trying to do is go to the practice fields, and suddenly you have no choice in the matter! And no matter where you turn, wherever you want to go, the sidewalk will always appear, giving you no choice but to go to the place you were planning on going to anyway.

Whatever happened to happy accidents? What happened to the good old days when you could take a wrong turn at Albuquerque? The fact is, so long as sidewalks continue to label our paths and make individual progressions virtually indistinguishable, freedom is nothing more than an illusion of the mind. Look around as your friends, family members, random strangers, everybody on the face of the earth, even your neighbor’s dog are all strictly following the regiment of governmentally funded pathways. We’re practically living in Oceania!

Citizens of planet Earth, this is where the sidewalk must end. If we’re going to take back our right to our individuality, we have no choice but to tread where no person has gone before. Walk ON the grass! Hang-glide your way into work! Climb a f****** mountain! Do whatever you can to show the man that you aren’t going to take this convenience! We all have to act fast, because you might walk on the sidewalk today, but tomorrow, the sidewalk just might walk on you.

The Elm

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