Football Team Discontinued

By The Elm - Mar 29,2014@12:09 pm

By Dad
Provider

Early Monday afternoon, the Washington College Shoremen lost their football team (see page 12).

What looked like a promising venture turned out to be a scandalous affair.

Upon a simple background check, newly assigned Head Coach Meatball McDaniels was discovered to be a fraud. In fact, he had no family to earn his reunion reputation. And he wasn’t even a legal United States citizen.

Something seemed peculiar about McDaniels from the start. For starters, his background check validated that Meatball was simply a made-up alias that he adopted when arriving from his home country of Hamzukiscan.

Prior to his send-off he said, “I’m sorry for fooling you all. I wanted to leave my old identity behind… I wanted to become an American football legend. For a brief moment, I almost believed I was Meatball.”

Meatball was not the only mystery to be solved overnight.

The newly scouted football team is allegedly not as stellar as they had been compensated for.

In fact, many of them had received SAT scores below the 50 percentile of their freshman class.

Moreover, statements made on behalf of the dining staff’s new protein-heavy diet were actually misrepresented.

According to a dining representative, “Hodson Dining Hall has no plans of deviating from our regular diet of hush puppies and popcorn shrimp. Earlier statements regarding the protein-heavy diet were spoken prematurely before we were ever consulted.”

It has been a wild 48 hours in Chestertown as the air has been sucked out of the student body.

First, they had received news of a Shoremen football team only to find that their hopes dashed.

Interestingly, the 20 percent tuition hike has not been thoroughly addressed by athletic director Brymathimus Foos or President Mitchell Reiss.

When asked about the tuition increase, President Reiss said, “The College has designed a task force to best deal with the tuition hike. After much discussion, we feel it in our hearts to accommodate a recent head coach, Meatball McDaniels, by using the increase to cover his severance package. Furthermore, we’ve decided to put an end to our full-ride scholarships so that the school can put an end to wasteful spending. This increase is projected to be temporary.”

The WC community is experiencing strange days. What was once a promising football school with stellar student athletes is now a simple tuition hike.

Who could have seen that coming?

At any rate, the WC community still has the War on the Shore. And next season the legendary game comes home to Chestertown-possibly this time with some hardware.

The students lost their grand opportunity to tailgate and feel united as one as their hopes of a football team were dashed—but they can, at least, look forward to their favorite matchup next spring against Salisbury University.

Imagine a fun filled weekend with friends gathering in the name of sport.

Of course, if the game is played over spring

The Elm

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