By Crazy Night Walk Taker
I hacked the system to get this printed

I am all for diversity and individuality… that one special something that makes a campus unique.  Every institution of higher learning needs that to attract new students.  But where does one draw the line?  Apparently, the higher-ups here at Washington College don’t draw it at murder.

Everyone on campus knows our beloved mascot, Gus the Goose.  Appearing at random campus events, he usually manages to startle me and all of my friends by popping up out of nowhere.  Once you are aware of his presence, however, he is quite a nice and gentle creature.

Or so we were led to believe.  It is true, one should never deny their initial instincts, and I learned it very quickly… that night.  It all started on one of my evening walks.  I usually prefer taking walks at night (mostly because I am a crazy person).  Upon one of these evening strolls about two months ago, I heard a blood-curdling scream sounding from the bridge near Roy Kirby Jr. Stadium.  I rushed over to see what was happening.

What I saw shocked me: Gus feasting on the lifeless corpse of a wee freshman.  Like a cat on edge, his feathers were raised and wild; he had foot-long fangs, dripping with fresh blood and his eyes were glaring with fire and brimstone.  Plus, he breathed fire, so that was pretty terrifying.

When he noticed my presence he immediately dropped the body and approached me.  I tried to run, but he got me in the leg with his mighty mace.  Pulling me towards him, the bloody-thirsty fowl, he proceeded to spray me in the eyes with some actual mace.  Blind, wounded and slightly annoyed at the interruption to a typically fine evening, I was just a mess.  But, as luck would have it, I still had some salt packets in my pocket (a remnant from a snow day at the dining hall).  I tore them open and threw the salt in his face.  Scared eggless and howling in pain, he fled, but not before using his powers of hypnosis to put me to sleep.  I awoke the next morning still on the bridge.

Now, these are all interesting qualities to have in a mascot: master of weapons, hypnosis, incredibly photogenic.  But I feel that it has gone too far.  Yes, having such a terrific school secret adds an air of mystery that attracts new students.  But if Gus keeps eating them in such large quantities, then what’s the point?  Plus, the administration is not even using him to their full advantage!  Why do you think that all of our expenses went up?  It’s to keep this whole bloody business quiet.  If you’re going to keep a giant cannibalistic goose on campus, why not use it to your advantage?

My biggest problem is obviously about myself, of course.  Because of that attack, I almost missed my 8:30 a.m. class the next morning, and I had blood all over my clothes.  You people think that I can afford peroxide on my budget?  I barely have enough for my Ramen and strawberry jam!  So how am I supposed to get that out of my clothes?  You tell me, President Resse’s Pieces, because I would love to know.

My greatest concern is how the entire population of intelligent liberal arts students never picked up on this!  How have you all not noticed?  How has no one noticed the recent disappearances of friends and classmates over the course of this year?  There’s been, like, 12 of them; seriously, have you all been living on Gallifrey for the past year?

There is a way that you can avoid Gus’ wrath.  Upon some investigative journalism with my fellow opinion writers, we have discovered Gus’ M.O.  He preys on anyone who began to watch the “Thank You For Choosing Us” video, but did not watch it all the way to the end.  For your own safety, I would advise everyone to watch this video from start to finish, including the ads, or you may fall victim to Gus’ murderous school spirit.

The Elm

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