Dear Editor,

It has come to my attention that many students, faculty, and staff members have grown weary of the removal of trays from Hodson Commons earlier this semester. I seek to quell these fears by explaining why these trays were not removed but simply relocated.

As you may recall, AMC wrapped up its critically acclaimed, ground-breaking TV show “Breaking Bad” earlier this academic year. Following its conclusion, many of the chemicals used in the show’s cooking of methamphetamines were improperly disposed of in the Elk River in Charleston, W. Va. On Jan. 9, 2014, these chemicals mixed with other dumped chemicals used to wash coal, creating a deadly combination.

Although the full effects of these mixed chemicals in the water supply for an estimated 300,000 residents remain unknown, President O’bummer declared there was little to worry about and instead urged voters to look forward to his upcoming Divided State of the Union speech slated for Jan. 28.

However, many residents began to fall ill and within 24 hours of consuming tainted water, they turned into mindless, reanimated corpses, more commonly referred to as the “living dead.” W. Va. Governor Earl Tomblin declared a state of emergency and called in the National Guard to fight off these zombies that were heading towards Pennsylvania, Maryland and elsewhere.

It was during this time that I took the most viable step to protect Washington College from these creatures—I ordered the relocation of all Hodson trays to the basement of the dining hall where students and staff could relocate to in a time of emergency and use the trays to ward off zombies.

To prevent a campus panic, I ordered Dining Services to label the removal of trays as “saving the college money and protecting the environment.” I knew no one would believe it, but it was the best we could come up with.

I held a meeting with the faculty and staff of the College to discuss the true reasoning—the zombies—but many found my decision laughable.

Professor Lewart Truce felt the tray removal was an inconsiderate, un-culinary step. He emailed his list of grievances to the WC community arguing that we should instead use his impervious iPod to ward off the zombies. I told him how ludicrous and inefficient an idea that would be and reinforced my decision to use the trays.

Even after I fired a number of professors for disagreeing with me and sent others on sabbatical, many of my colleagues did not cease. They started emailing the list serves to inform the students of the impending zombiepocalypse. I had our tech guru Calvin Of-Coursey transfer these emails into everyone’s spam folders since people clearly never look there.

After people discovered the spam issue, I found no other choice but to hurry the semester along to get students and faculty off campus sooner, before the zombies arrive. I ordered my dear friend Jimmy Dean Di-Quiznos to drag students out of bed on Wednesday, April 2 on what was to be Advising Day and have them attend class and finish the semester faster.

Most recently, I was forced to play off the impending attack and have students prepare for it, sort of. I coordinated a zombie film camp session this past weekend to teach students how to protect themselves and played it off as a terrific experience for film and zombie-lovers.

Now that I have made clear that we should be expecting zombies, please download the LifeSafe App which will allow you to instantly notify Public (Indecency) Safety when you see a zombie or other mindless and easily-pressured life form on campus because we surely would not want those people attending class or voting as they have these past two elections.

In the meantime, we will continue to fortify the campus into a prison-like setting with blue warning lights, barbed wire, and watch towers, similar to AMC’s “The Walking Dead.” We have already constructed many of these blue lights along the walk paths. These fortifications may fail, however, if Martian O’boy Malley, commonly referred to as the “Governor”, attempts to take over our prison because of our employing conservative principles and precautions from these liberal zombies.

Nevertheless, we must stand united and steadfast in this fight. So grab your tray and stand tall as we defend our campus from these zombies!

Best Regards,
President Reese’s Pieces

P.S. I regret to inform you that I need to raise tuition to pay for these reinforcements, so please check your mailboxes. Sorry not sorry.

The Elm

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