Letter to The Stump About The Elm

By The Elm - Mar 29,2014@11:31 am

Dear Editor,

This week, I made WC history when I became the only student on campus to pick up and read The Elm, something that has never been done before since the paper’s incarnation in 1930. This was easily the biggest mistake of my life. The Elm is easily the poorest excuse for a piece of journalism, and frankly all I wanted to do after reading the paper was host a funeral for the poor tree that gave its life for something so meaningless. In its mere 12 pages, The Elm has done the impossible, and made me never want to touch any newspaper ever again.

Let’s start off with the News section, which is probably the use of the term in its loosest form. Nothing of interest happens on this campus, yet the writers still manage to find a way to write about it. On the off chance that something interesting does happen, on a campus this small, everybody knows before anyone at The Elm can even put pen to paper about it. By the time anything worthwhile gets published, the section might be better off being called Olds. Nothing about the News section is noteworthy. When the best news article of the year is about an angry email being sent out about trays being taken from the Dining Hall, it might be time to stop and question whether the information being written about is worth the four minutes of life someone is going to waste to read about it. Just leave the News to WAC Confessions, and information will spread much faster.

After reading the Olds section, I didn’t think it could get much worse, but I was sorely mistaken. For another two pages, I read about random opinions on a lot of things that I did not care about. The entire Opinion section lacked continuity, and the whole thing read like angry rants that belonged on someone’s blog. Why on earth would I care about politics and comics and rap music versus country? And why should I care what type of food you’re eating this week and how it’s so different? I don’t and won’t. Ever. This section probably exists as a type of graveyard for articles that weren’t good enough to make it into any other part of The Elm, but I say just tear these pages out and put it in the recycling bin. If I wanted to listen to people whine about things I didn’t care about, I would just watch C-SPAN. If the pages had been left blank, it would have been a drastic improvement because at least I could color on them.

Student Life: This section was the best of the worst because it was in color! Other than that I don’t remember anything about what was in it. But it was in COLOR!

The Lifestyle section had so much promise, which is probably why I found it to be the most disappointing. Movie reviews! Sex column! Video Games! What’s not to love? Hint: all of it. No good video games are ever reviewed, and why would I care about movies from 1994? I’m sure 20-year-old movies are great, but maybe reviews of them already exist. The movie reviews might want to be added to the Olds section to make more room for the sex column to actually talk about sex once in a while. Instead of talking about meet the parents or how to ask someone out to a dance, why not get a little down and dirty? This is the only section that might be allowed to let loose and have some fun, but instead it’s family friendly and wholesome. Why don’t the writers just bevcome nuns and make way for some real action to be read between the lines?

I could barely get through the Sports’ section without falling asleep. While Division III sports might be super competitive and the athletes totally have a real future there, the only information I got from this section was that we have a lot of teams whose games I never go to.

Reading this paper was such a terrible experience, that it actually compelled me to write one of those letters to the editor they’re constantly begging for. Luckily for the editors of The Elm, the secret that the paper is terrible will live and die with me. Even though this letter is public and published, somebody will have to actually read the paper to see it, and let’s be real, that’s never going to happen.

I really mean this,
Penny Pancakes ‘14

The Elm

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