News at a Glance 3/28/2014

By The Elm - Mar 29,2014@11:28 am

By Steeley Danielle
Flordia Expert

1. A recent study has declared Florida the safest and sanest place to live in the United States. The Four Out of Three Survey Institute looked at several factors that would make a state the most ideal place to live. Florida ranked highest with its huggable alligators, neighborhood pythons, face loving drug addicts, and trustworthy neighborhood watchmen. The study found Florida to be a state where people were level-headed and friendly and the environment perfect for human habitation. No wonder everyone wants to go to Florida on vacation and when they retire. (The Florida Swampy Sun)

2. Reddit and Fourchan male users declare that they should be making women sandwiches. These men, or young boys as they have been discovered to actually be, admitted that women should not be in kitchens making them sandwiches like they so often declare when they argue against feminism so persuasively. These boys realized that they really wanted someone to love them like only their mothers can. They saw sandwich-making as a way to get this love, even if violently typed in all caps in response to the idea that women are people too. After a long talk with their mothers and making them sandwiches, these young boys are ready to grow up and be respectful men and sandwich makers. (The Daily Grain)

3. Facebook will start charging users for the service as announced by Mark Zuckerberg over the social media site last week. Apparently Facebook is not making enough money from all the advertisements on your newsfeed that creepily know what you were just searching for on Google. Facebook will not only charge users a monthly fee of $7.99 to use the site but they will also charge for social discrepancies. Every pet, baby, and food picture results in a one dollar fine and every status complaining about your job or celebrating your good grades will result in a fine of 50 cents. Facebook realizes that no one wants to see all this stuff as it is not the main reason why anyone is on a sharing social media site. The real reason is for news, like this news, which you have to share on Facebook right now if you do not want to be charged. (The Social Prowler)

4. Meteorologists say that if people would stop talking about snow then spring would finally arrive. All the snow storms this past winter have been so successful due to all the media attention surrounding them. Experts say that this hype over snow storms by social media and news stations have given the storms the strength they need to succeed. Since everyone is sick of the snow, as proven by hilarious memes on Facebook, it is time to put a stop to the snow storm hype. The solution is for everyone to stop talking and complaining about snow and eventually it will stop. Once people stop talking the Earth will continue to revolve around the sun and summer will arrive. We all know what happens to snow in summer. (Frozen News)

5. President Barack Obama and other state officials performed a ceremony to exorcise Justin Bieber from the country. With the ever increasing bad behavior from the young pop star, government officials decided it was best to remove the menace from society. Bieber had too much control over the minds of young girls and it was feared that he would use his control to create and army of beliebers to do his bidding. The exorcism ceremony drove Bieber from the country and erased all memory of him from the mind of teenage girls. America is safe, for now. (Popular News Network)

The Elm

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