By Dad
Provider

They finally did it… again. The Washington College Athletic Department has decided to reinstate a Shoremen football team. After all these years, the students of WC can rejoice, because they can finally have the best of both worlds. That is to say partake in a pastime that surrounds the nation without losing the benefits a small school has to offer.

The announcement broke early Sunday morning when athletic director Brymathimus Foos said, “The student body at Washington College should be very pleased today, for we have made plans to enter the 2014 fall season with a football team.”

Twitter feeds ignited moments after Foos made his grand announcement.

How will the school fund such a team? How would we accommodate a football team? Will they be cool?

“The school has opted to raise tuition by a mere 20 percent. We understand we are asking a lot of our students, but in return we guarantee that there will be no cost for admission,” said Foos. “We’ve also hired a proven winner to assume the role as head coach.”

Speaking further on the issue, Foos announced the inaugural head coach: Meatball McDaniels.

McDaniels, who has a sturdy background in backyard football—winning most family reunion outtings gave an outstanding introduction regarding the team’s upcoming schedule and recruiting model.

“I’m eager to hit the field this fall for some football,” he said.

A true visionary, McDaniels’ reputation precedes him.

The introduction of a football team will prompt many changes in the WC experience. For starters, tailgates are a real possibility. Previously, the War on the Shore stood as the school’s premier tailgate day—that was, of course, before it was moved to a Tuesday. A football team instantly transforms every Saturday into game day. Imagine having War every weekend.

Secondly, Hodson Hall has agreed to insert enormous quantities of protein in their meals. Vegan, vegetarian, and meat-diet—the WC community is going to beef up.

Of course, the biggest change to the WC community will be the growth and retention. Naturally, the cost of education will surely turn some away, but those who accept will certainly find their experience accommodating and stick around for four—even five years.

Furthermore, the school has finally acknowledged its need for serious scholarship compensation.

At a completely separate press conference, President Mitchell Reiss said, “Washington College will now be granting full scholarships to students who display scholarly promise and dedication. They will be awarded their merit-based prize upon being accepted to our institution.”

It remains interesting that both announcements should come on the same day. However, it is not as interesting as the scholarly fortitude of our inaugural football team of which 90 percent are receiving over half their tuition in scholarship funds.

Chalk it up to our own Meatball McDaniels and his crew for finding WC not only a potential winning team on the field, but an apparently stellar-minded gang in the classroom.

In his closing statement, McDaniels said, “Sports… I think we can all learn something.”

And with a wink and a nod, it happened.

The Elm

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