By Margo Rita
On the morning of March 17, first-year student Bud Weiser stumbled out of the bushes at the Johnson Fitness Center, flask in hand and Harry Potter glasses on, where he had been sleeping since Birthday Ball.
Weiser woke up confused and, according to hospital records, still heavily intoxicated. The Ball was on Feb. 22, almost a month prior to the discovery of Weiser, so one can only imagine the quantity of alcohol he consumed on that night.
“I swear to drunk I’m not God,” he said that morning, “I only had a couple drinks.”
The student was spotted by someone mowing the lawn, who quickly dialed 911 as he believed it was someone coming back from the grave. Once the Chestertown Police Department arrived, they searched the perimeter to find the artifacts of four handles of vodka and six bottles of whiskey, all empty.
“In my 40 years of service, I have never seen that many empty bottles of hard liquor. It’s really a miracle he’s even alive,” said one responding officer.
After Weiser was approached and dealt with by CPD, he was sent to the Chester River Hospital to recover from his alcohol-induced coma. Before Weiser saw a doctor he waited seven hours reading the same parenting magazine in the main lobby.
When he finally saw the doctor it was concluded that he was drunk. In an interview with the doctor he said, “Yeah, well um, I saw he was stumbling kinda so I think he’s just a little drunk. Ya know? Maybe he had a little bit too much to drink?”
Following the visit to the hospital, Weiser called his parents and let them know of the situation and of the $900 medical bill he racked up. “I was certainly surprised and confused that my little Buddy was in a coma for that long, but it does explain why he didn’t call me to do his laundry for the past month,” said his mom.
Friends of Weiser were concerned about his disappearance but figured he had just gone home. “He never even made it to Birthday Ball, but it’s really not a shocker,” said Weiser’s “friend.”
This annual celebration is the biggest campus-wide party of the year, but never has a student been drunk for so long. Weiser is a known fan of everything Harry Potter, the theme for this year’s Ball, which may have been the reasoning behind his consumption of so much alcohol.
Despite the health concerns, Weiser is thrilled because his name will now go on the plaque of drunkeness. This plaque honors the record holders for most number of hours remaining drunk on Washington College’s campus. The previous record was held by Al Culhalic ’78, for lasting 83 hours.
Director of Public Safety Uncle Jerry addressed the issue to the campus in an email speaking to the unhealthy nature of Weiser’s decisions. He then invited all students to a rager at his house that night to celebrate Weiser being found alive. According to an inside source, the party is unfortunately BYOB.