By Nick Anstett and Kayla Kyle
Elm Staff Writer and Social Media Editor
This week Nick and Kayla are discussing the Dos and Don’ts of dialogue during sex. Everyone wants to enjoy that personal time together, but what are you supposed to say while its happening? What happens if you call them by the wrong name? What are the boundaries for the “pillow talk.” They unfold all of these answers and play out a few scenarios that will only enhance your special time between the sheets. Next week, read our last issue of A Goose and A Gander for the semester.
Nick says… I’ve been stressing communication pretty heavily during the last few weeks. In general, I feel that talking things through directly and clearly with your partner is the solution to all relationship issues. Except for, well, when things get hot and heavy. That’s not to say that there shouldn’t be a dialogue or communication in the bedroom. It’s just important to keep in mind that you are essentially speaking a different language.
There is communication needed when “doing the deed.” Because most encounters involve at least one other person it’s important to keep their needs in mind. What do they enjoy? Are they enjoying what’s going on currently? Do they feel uncomfortable? I think it can be pretty much universally agreed upon that extended conversation in the middle of the act can kill the mood pretty damn quickly. (That’s not to say that there aren’t those out there that love a good conversation during intimacy, but that’s a realization that you and your partner should come to on your own.)
The key is finding the sweet spot between rushing in blindly and over talking it. Ideally, this can be reached without any verbal communication at all. In the best case scenarios, both you and your partner will be able to read each other’s body language in a way that gives off clues as to what you want to happen. For the situations that can’t be solved by bodily cues, a simple “Is this good?” might suffice. Again, use this sparingly. While it’s important to keep your partner’s wants and comfort in mind, asking this question repeatedly projects a lack of confidence and take away from some of the intensity of the moment.
The question of “dirty talk” is a whole other ball game. In some cases, a little verbal sparring can be fun and spice up the mood a bit. In my experience however, there is a fine line where it goes from being fun to just a sort of frustrating background noise. If it’s a bit rougher or more playful than usual, this can be a perfect environment, but more emotional or passionate encounters should likely be a bit more “clean.”
Kayla says…Yes. Oh, yes. Dialogue during sex is exhilarating! At least it can be. I mean dialogue during sex is a tricky thing. There is a fine line between intense eroticism and just plain awkwardness. To put this idea into perspective, let’s look at some scenarios.
You and your significant other are in the throws of passion. The intensity is building so much that you don’t want it to end, change, or slow down, so you shout (or moan), “Yes. Oh, yes. Faster. Don’t stop.” With such an exclamation, your significant other knows that what he or she is doing is working and that he or she better not stop. Therefore, in this scenario, dialogue is a sexy way of communicating to your significant other what you like and don’t like during the hot and steamy session.
However, what happens when one of you spouts off something that not only ruins the moment but also inspires intense anger (which may not be so sexy)? This brings us to…
Now both of you are at the height of passion, and then your significant other shouts out a specific name. “Oh. John.” or “Oh! Becky.” Sure shouting each other’s names at the height of an orgasm is really hot, but not so much when he or she shouts the wrong name. Your name isn’t John and it sure as heck is not Becky. So that sexy dialogue becomes an angered interrogation. “Who the heck is Becky?” Whoops. That dialogue isn’t so hot. Sexy time is over.
Then there is the dialogue that is just awkward and kills the mood faster than the speed of light (unless of course you are totally into it), which brings us to…
Again, you and your significant other are getting hot and heavy and your significant other decides to spice things up by initiating a sexy dialogue. So, your significant other looks deep into your eyes and says something like, “I’m going to rock your world so hard, it will be like I’m an astronaut conquering a new alien species on the backside of the moon.” This dialogue, instead of turning you on, makes you sit up and say, “Umm, what?” or just bust out in hysterical giggles, which means the mood is ruined.
Therefore, as seen in these three scenarios, dialogue during sex rides a fine line between being intensely sexy and being awkward or aggravating. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try introducing some new sexy word play into the bedroom. As long as you are open with your partner and communicate what you like and don’t like as far as dialogue (and sex in general), dialogue during sex can be very arousing and can even push both of you over the edge. So by all means, try it out, and don’t limit yourself to having the same routine over and over again. Add some spicy dialogue into your sex life. Just be careful as to what comes out of your mouth.