By Nick Anstett and Kayla Kyle
Elm Staff Writers
This week Nick and Kayla are discussing what no one wants to discuss, awkward sex. Have you ever had a moment that was so embarassing while you were trying to be intimate? What did you do? What should you have done? Nick and Kayla tell you how to handle those moments. Next week, Nick and Kayla will talk about that awful moment when you are friendzoned. How do you get out of the zone?
Nick says… There’s probably nothing more intimate between two individuals than some form of sexual encounter. Intimacy brings vulnerability and an increased possibility of something becoming awkward or uncomfortable. We often hyper analyze things when it comes to sex even during the act. What to do? What to say, if anything? You know one minute everything is going fine. It’s sexy. It’s fun. It’s passionate. Then seemingly from nowhere things take a turn for the worse. You say something dumb. Your body does something unexpected. A move that you thought would blow your partner’s…er…mind does the opposite. Before you know it the whole moment is crashing down upon your head and you can see the sex gods shaking their heads in disappointment.
I’ve had friends who have had siblings walk in on them, couches break beneath them, farted on a significant other or vice versa, had trouble with the mechanics of the whole thing, been overheard by rowdy neighbors, gotten sweat in their eyes, ruined friend’s bed sheets, ran out of the room to vomit, received texts from their family, and in general have had their bodies not cooperate with just about every way imaginable. One instance even involved a misplaced sex toy and a trip to the ER, but that’s beside the point.
The thing is these moments of embarrassment or personal shock don’t have to ruin the night, well all except the last one (avoid the emergency room). In my experience, most of these seemingly world ending scenarios occur only in your head. As much as sexual encounters are about the physical and emotional experience shared with another person it’s easy to slip inside your own thoughts and let your worries and insecurities take over. In all honesty, something that may seem monumentally stupid or embarrassing to you may have gone completely unnoticed by your partner. It’s just as likely that they are worrying about something that you did not pay any attention to as well.
However, one piece of advice that I often find to be the most useful may seem odd but has helped me a great deal in the past. Sex is funny. The entirety of sex is so strange and awkward and uncomfortable. Trying to pretend that every encounter is going to be going to be immortalized in the halls of slow-jam history is going to lead to disappointment and frustration. It’s ok to laugh during sex, and it’s ok to laugh at yourself during sex. Don’t take yourself so seriously. The truth is, we’ve all probably failed our exams in sexual performance due to some embarrassing moment or another. So don’t worry so much. Have a laugh and embarrass yourself.
Kayla says… There you are in the moment, all hot and bothered, and then all of the sudden your partner does something that just throws you completely off. Either he or she tries some new off-the-wall move, keeps fumbling with zippers or clasps, fails at dirty talk, has genital malfunction, or you just have to stop because neither one of you has protection. The list can go on and on. Not exactly the happy ending you wanted, right? You are left feeling awkward and/or embarrassed either for yourself or for your partner. You lay there afterward thinking about how the hell you are going to handle this if you even decide to discuss it with your partner. Which brings us to an important decision. Is it something that truly bothers you enough to have a conversation about it, or is it just a lack of experience that can be handled with a little more touching and less talking? Another thing to consider is how serious the relationship is. Is this a committed relationship or a one-night stand? Let’s look at some scenarios to help you decide, shall we?
Scenario 1: The One-Night Stand
You and Joe Blow head back to your room after making a connection at the local bar. You start making out, end up on the bed, and he starts fumbling around but apparently needs a map to figure out how to get to where X marks the spot. You lie there awkwardly waiting for him to figure it out. Finally, things get going and you both pass out afterwards. The next day he gets up, throws his clothes on, and leaves. There isn’t exactly time to discuss the awkwardness of the night before, and you don’t really have a serious relationship with this person whatever his name is. Presumably, it was a one-time thing and yes, he needs to learn a lesson in how to pleasure. However, unless you plan on continuing the relationship, I wouldn’t waste my breath. Just remember to avoid him the next time you are in the bar and looking for a hook-up unless of course you want to teach him a valuable lesson in pleasure.
Scenario 2: The Serious Relationship
Your roommate leaves for the weekend so you and your significant other finally have some alone time. You both go at each other like starved hyenas, ripping each other’s clothes off, hands everywhere, but then your significant other attempts to try something new. He just starts licking your face. You find this strange and not so comfortable, but you are too hot and bothered to stop him. Then afterwards you lie there next to him and think about how awkward and embarrassing it was for him to lick your face. I mean, is he a dog? In this situation, it is a good idea to discuss with your partner what you do and do not like during sex. Communication is key in any relationship and if you don’t like something, you should speak up for your own sake.
It is no secret that awkward and embarrassing things can happen during sex. It is under your discretion whether or not you talk to your sexual partner about it. However, if you do feel exceedingly uncomfortable about something that happened it is important that you discuss with your partner how you feel. Sex is supposed to be exciting, fun, and pleasurable not embarrassing and awkward. Take control of your sex life to avoid any continued awkwardness and enjoy uninterrupted pleasure.