To the Editor-in-Chief, the Editorial Staff, and the Student Body of Washington College,

 

I am pleased to announce that the search for the next Washington College president is complete, and that I, Francis Underwood, will take over as the chief executive of this fine institution.

As a liberal from South Carolina, I know first-hand the importance of a liberal education—preaching my noble view to students, discouraging dissent, and ensuring that students and faculty alike understand the importance of loyalty and obedience. I plan to fulfill this promise of a liberal education to the utmost extent and the staff I have hired for key positions reflect my shared commitment to a community of liberalism with an emphasis on communications, finances, and fidelity.

To oversee our email and communications system I have hired former Secretary of Statism Chillary Clinton. She has an extensive background in (mis)communications so she will make a fine addition to our campus. She has already begun developing a private email server for our campus, providing a much needed level of convenience. She is also in the development stage of a major internet security system called Ben-Gozi, but the program has many glitches and cannot seem to stop the most radical of emails from breaking into our system, despite countless warnings. Times like this I long for the days of Cal Coursey.

I have also employed former governor Martian O’Mallee to oversee our financial department. He has created at least 40 new financial initiatives to help raise funds for our school, including one aimed at imposing tuition fees on snow, as it unjustly consumes our campus parking lots and roofs without properly compensating us. O’Mallee has made balancing our campus finances a primary focus of his department, although he would like to find ways to increase spending in many areas including tripling the number of water sprinklers we employ on rainy days.

Moreover, my wife Claire will serve as our campus’ chief marketer, a statesman of sorts. She is as dedicated and calculated as I am and I know she will do a great service to this college. She will represent my values and goals as she seeks to recruit new students from across the country and the globe. We would especially like to see more students from Russia, but they have been quite uncontrollable lately. The last thing we would want is for these students to annex a portion of our campus for only those of ethnic descent.

President-elect Francis Underwood posing in what will soon be his new office.

President-elect Francis Underwood posing in what will soon be his new office.

For my overarching initiative, I hope to cement a new honor code at the College—one of loyalty. For far too long students, faculty, and staff have partaken in a misunderstanding that they have personal rights. They believe that they have the right to smoke where they choose to, study what they want to, and be who they want to be. I am here to correct this false perception—the only right that you possess is the right to remain absolutely loyal to me. You are to think the way that I think be who I want you to be, and answer my every call.

From this day forward, I will run this college the way it ought to be run. Faculty will preach, students will obey, and my administration will thrive. Any attempt to organize, disagree, or hang posters promoting academic discussions will be taken as contradictory to my values and will result in removal from campus. Discussions and negotiations are no longer needed on this campus. We know what is best, and our students can only learn by abiding by our experiences, teachings, and personal motives. At the end of the day, knowledge is power, and power is what you shall take from Washington College.

Upon my taking office I look forward to meeting the minds we are feeding. If you see me around campus, be sure to introduce yourself. At times I may seem a little “spacey,” but I am simply breaking the “fourth wall,” pondering my next initiative to increase security, strengthen loyalty, and accumulate power. Until then, enjoy the last bits of your freedom. There is a new sheriff in town.

          Yours truly,

Francis Underwood

President-Elect of Washington College

 

 

 

 

Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

The Elm

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