By Sir Humpsalot and Madame Pimpstress
Sir Humpsalot says… Look, we’ve been beating (haha) around the bush (haha) for too long. No more hygiene. No more friend zones. No more staying safe on spring break nonsense. It’s time to get serious about this. You want a sex column, we’ll give you a sex column. Here are Sir Humpsalot’s absolute best, fantastic, can’t beat (haha) ‘em, you’ll need a new pair of shorts, “bang spots” on campus.
We all have a little adventure in us. At least you should because sex is a freaking adventure, and if you don’t agree with me, then you can stop reading right now because I don’t have time for you. For the exhibitionists, voyeurs, and bedroom-daredevils out there, here are the best spots on campus where you can really just let loose.
1. The Cat Walks In Toll
What’s sexier than breaking into buildings on campus for a little high stakes hanky panky? Nothing. Surrounded on both sides by glass walls for maximum viewing pleasure and with dangerously high altitudes make this an absolute must. Extra points go for those who stare the taxidermied black bear in the eyes through the process.
2. Under Your RA’s Bed
Need a bit more thrill? Add in some excitement with a bit of undercover, sexual operations. Make a fake emergency, call to your resident assistant, and, while they’re out of the room, sneak in and get down to business beneath your RA’s bed. Try to have the best time possible before they return. If they do interrupt your covert coitus, the challenge evolves. Finish and escape without being caught. Genius.
3. On a Boat on the Chester River
What better way to honor our founding father, George Washington, than conducting your own nocturnal crossing of the Delaware? Rent a canoe and get busy on the brown, polluted waters of the Chester River. Just don’t rock the boat too much, kids.
4. Hotchkiss Recital Hall
Do you long for the stage? Well you don’t have to wait any longer. With a willing partner, you can be the star of your own award-winning vocal performance. The acoustics are great in there. If you want, you can pull a triple threat and hit all three theaters in Gibson. Now that would earn you some bragging rights.
5. I don’t know like…the baseball field?
Madame Pimpstress says… It isn’t very exciting having sexy-time day and night in your dorm room. I mean, there are only so many surfaces you can have sex on in a small dorm room, am I right? It just gets boring. So why not spice it up a little? Make a to-do list or competition out of where you can sex-it-up on campus. There are just so many possibilities out there that it’s a shame we let them go to waste by confining ourselves to our dorm rooms. So let me help you get started. Here is a list of places you should consider christening on campus (if you haven’t already).
1. The stone benches (or the brick ledges) at the entrance of Martha Washington Square. Not only are you under the gorgeous stars, but you can also make a tribute to Martha. Afterall, she was the first, First Lady, and First Ladies are all about beauty and style.
2. The benches outside of Hodson Hall. The ones next to George’s head. You can fantasize about George, powder wigs, and hoopskirts. Thoughts of the modesty will surely get you fired up.
3. Are you a sport junkie? Ride the bleachers, wrap up in the goalie nets, and/or score on middle field. Roy Kirby all the way. Or hit a home run on Athey park, and then move on down to the tennis courts to finish off. It’s every parent’s dream for their child to do well on the field.
4. For an adrenaline rush, try the crosswalk. I’m not talking about the sidewalk. Because everyone fantasizes about being run over during missionary.
1. Practice the art of contamination in one of the many Toll science labs (just try not to break any beakers). Talk about a chemical reaction.
2. Wants to make special friends in high places? Try the Sky Box, the CAC’s light tower, or Middle Hall’s tower. Whichever you’d prefer. The higher the site, the closer you are to heaven.
3. Any elevator on campus. (Chester, Sass, Hodson, Harford, Smith, Goldstein, etc.) Try to hit all of the right buttons.
4. If you are in need of some serious exercise, hit it off at the gym. Test out and see how fast each machine can go.
Now that you have some ideas, it’s time to explore the sexual potential of our beautiful campus. The above lists are just a starting point. Take these two lists and run. Be creative, and have courage to explore the possibilities. So get ready WC. It’s sexy time anywhere, anytime.
Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition. None of the information in this article is true.