By Phil Gotten

Campus Stray Cat

On April 1, a really obscure yet seemingly important figure gave a talk on something that I think was important.  I don’t actually know, I wasn’t there.  I asked some of the people who attended the event, but they did not know either.  In fact, the only people who should have actually attended were those who were in charge of planning the speech, but they didn’t show up either.

There seemed to be confusion about what the topic of the event even was. Sound technician Ike Oostic said, “I didn’t want to attend a discussion critiquing the militarization of cabbage merchants. Everyone knows they have the right to militarize.”

Lighting technician, V. Izzy Wal responded, “Wait, wasn’t it about the inevitable death of paper currency?” The two of them just stared at each other and decided to check their schedules. The event wasn’t planned.

Head Usher for the event and noted Entertainer Usher said, “Who are you and how did you get my phone number?”

Some members of the college staff were pleased with the event’s turnout. Janitor Jean Etor said, “It was the easiest job of my life. I had nobody to clean up after. That’s the only redeeming quality about the speech given by that jerk.” He then spat in disgust, only to clean it up afterwards.

Faculty of the Washington College history department claimed that they made no arrangements for a speech that day. Neither did the math department, psychology department, chemistry department, or any other department for that matter.

Students on campus had their own individual reasons for not attending the event.  Freshman Kent Recall said, “Wait, that already happened?”  This was a similar sentiment to that of Dr. Imno Tafake. “Only a fake professor would attend such a trivial speech,” he said.

Some felt passionate about their refusal to attend on moral grounds. President of the Chef’s Club Cull Nary said, “I refuse to attend an event mocking my life’s work.” Head of the economics department Eric O’Nomic said, “This event would only perpetuate lies about established truths in economics.  It would have been a pain to watch.”

Washington College event coordinator R. Anjer said, “I don’t remember setting this event up, but I think we can learn from it. We really should focus more on the fun aspects of boring lectures. The next panel I arrange will definitely include a fight to the death among the panelists.”

If anyone has any knowledge of the recent event or who was responsible for organizing it, please contact pgotten5@warshcall.edu.

 

Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

The Elm

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