Gaining Weight: The New Bikini Body

By Chicken McNugget

Fast Food Officionado


I know everyone is thinking at this time of year about how they can gain weight before summer. Well, it is harder to do than losing weight. There are two main categories that affect how much weight you gain which are fitness and food.

For fitness, you really do not need to push yourself to go to the gym often… or at all. Remember less gym means gaining less muscle and more fat. Next, as the weather gets nicer you don’t need to push yourself to walk places. It is best to drive as many places as possible. Why walk when driving gets you to your destination faster?

For food, it is key to eat whenever you are hungry. Even if you’re only slightly hungry eat whatever you want. This means do not listen to doctors when they say do not eat late at night. You misheard them, and they actually say you should eat a lot of food late at night. In Chestertown, this can mean Cove runs right before they close, a late night Domino’s runs, or a short car drive to McDonalds or Royal Farms. You will be most successful if you get the larger sizes and eating all of the food yourself, sharing defeats the purpose of ordering or buying the larger sizes. When your concern is gaining weight, you should not eat very many fruits or vegetables. Also only eat salads if you cover it in a thick salad dressing, such as ranch or caesar, and throw a lot of carb-filled croutons and other unhealthy toppings on your salads. The more dressing and toppings you throw on means the less lettuce you need to put underneath.

No one every looks sad when they are eating. So eat whenever you would like and you will surely pack on the pounds.
No one every looks sad when they are eating. So eat whenever you would like and you will surely pack on the pounds.

For tips on what to get in the dining hall, you should go straight for the two p’s: pasta and pizza. Make sure to sprinkle lots of extra cheese on so that you can add even more calories. If you have already had pizza, then go through the two hot bars and pick whatever has the highest calories, fat, and carbs. Steer past the veggies and healthy options because those are not as tasty. By doing this you will allow your self to rack up a lot of calories which means more weight slowly being added to your body.

One more category that may not relate to all college students, is a large amount, is alcohol. If you want to make the most of your weight gain goals and are of age you should drink a lot of beer. Make sure you stay away from light beers. The best beer for this goal would be dark beer since they have more calories than light or lighter colored beers. If you are more of a liquor or mixed drinks person, then you should go straight for shots and mixed drinks. This can mean using more sugary or high calorie mixers and liquors.

So when you are planning how you want to gain some weight before swimsuit season, just remember these simple things.


Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

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