By Meeny, Miney, and Moe

Angry Short People

 

Do you know you’re grammar or the proper use of punctuation! Thats what you think… This past week the Literary House hosts a workshop by a member of the dreaded English Grammar and Punctuation Society! or egps! for short to discuss with students how to use proper grammar and punctuation: to go over some of they’re own work: and to lecture them on the extremely unimportant and previously unstudied history of english grammar

the egps! was founded in the 19 century by a school teacher in the town of sweet home in alabama named miss bridget london “when she saw just how poorly grammar and punctuation were used by the students” according to the egps! website “she gathered over thirty schoolteachers in the area and they collected enough funding that was used by the teachers to do scholarly research on the history of grammar and punctuation and it’s proper uses and hold lectures and workshops for various students and has spread in it’s infamy to the point that its a nationwide society only the most elite of the punctuationalist and grammarists can join”

the egps! hasn’t been to Washington College in 37 years. They only visit schools that demonstrate a decline in students use of proper grammar and punctuation. English Professor Dr Delia Slap is a member of a society that works directly with the egps! called the Secret English Society: SES and she said; “Every college has a Secret English Society made up of students and staff at the college. What the SES does is collect every piece of writing done by students including Kindling articles; creative writing pieces; and even lab reports, and check them for grammar and punctuation. They tally up the amount of mistakes and if the amount is above the yearly-accepted limit then we have to call in the egps! to have a serious lecture with the students.”

One can only join the SES at Washington College according to the SES website if they “find the secret room in the rose oneill literary house and follow a series of riddles all written with incorrect grammar and punctuation if the riddle can be solved by the student by first fixing the grammar and punctuation so they can read it they can then follow the clues and find the secret base of the SES and officially join”

Violet Blue, was a member of the egps! for seven years, and specialize in studying the history of grammar, and doing punctuation, good. It turns out alot of what we’ve learned is wrong. For example: it was a scribe named Ludicrus Maximus that wrote for Julius Caesar, that creates the capitol letter for propaganda, to help Caesar in his campaign to rule Rome. He creates the capitol letter to emphasize Caesar’s importance. Then the period comes along at the start of the Lutheran church, when a man named Barn Skunk wants to find a way to stop Catholics from talking, by finding a way to end their sentences, so the period was created by him. However an Irish Catholic priest Peter Rabby found a way around this, through the comma and colon that expands his sentences.

“… But of course Queen Victoria just had to get on borde with this whole colon idea so she created a newer more English colon and she made it so her colon could connect two independent clauses while the Irish version could only introduce a list or series of connected items or independent clauses which further explain the first independent clause. The Irish rebelled, and called Queen Victoria’s colon, the semicolon!” said Blue.

Students later had a chance to meat with Violet Blue as well as other egps! members to workshop various pieces and sophomore Rosey Ash said it was brutal the member I met with literally tore my paper apart and freshman Livy Shoe said my paper was covered in red by the time I got it back

Junior Bo Skeewatten said; “I kept getting marks for putting my commas, and punctuation marks, outside the quotation marks. And I had this fiery little red head representative looking over my work, who shrieked like the devil when she kept catching me do that”. We later found out he met with the President of the egps! Mary Lamb, author of the writing handbook “Who’s Page isn’t White as Snow; Know Your Grammar”.

“I am making it my sworn duty to catch these violators of the English language,” Lamb said; “It is an outrage that we cannot take our own language and the structure of the sentences that make up this language seriously and it is time we took a stand now. We who read other peoples’ work and edit page after page of papers, poetry, novels, plays, articles, lab reports, speeches: anything will no longer stand by and suffer in silence. We shall vent and we shall correct”.

 

Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

The Elm

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