By Dr. Hannibal Lecter
Psychiatrist and Cannibal
Darkness. Blood. Feathers. That’s what has haunted my dreams ever since that fateful night. I fought my hardest, tried my best, but I was no match for a centuries-old goose with a taste for human flesh. I lost a lot that night. I lost an arm, an eye, and an awful lot of blood; but worst of all, I lost my pride.
The only reason I survived that night was the sheer will to beat humiliation. There was no way I was losing to a goose. A swan, maybe, but definitely not a goose. After some time in the hospital (where no one questioned my lack of limbs) I went straight to Bunting to report what I found: that Washington College mascot Gus the Goose was a grave danger to everyone on this campus and the rest of Chestertown. I had hoped that my obvious injuries and lowered self-esteem would be enough to convince them. I brought hospital records, statistics of students who have gone missing at the same times that Gus took a leave of absence, I even manged to get a photo. Nevertheless, even after my best efforts to convince the administration that the goose was a great danger to our campus, no one took me seriously. “He’s a giant stuffed goose,” they said. “His pupils don’t even move.” they insisted. They resfused to do anything about it (although I do find it suspicious that then-President Reeses Pieces left the school just a few months later). Meanwhile, Gus stalks the campus at night, looking for unsuspecting victims. I know that at least three other students and one professor have been killed by Gus this year (and for some reason a census taker, though I’m not sure what’s up with that).
This time he was expecting me. I knew I would need to come up with a way to catch him off-guard. However, to do that I would need help. Assistant Professor of Potions Dr. Harry Potter (better known by his Muggle alias Dr. James Lipchock) agreed to help me take down this winged menace. We spent months in the chemistry labs of Toll trying to produce just the right thing that would kill Gus without causing any more harm to other students and staff. For the safety of our plan, I don’t want to give too much away; let us just say that ACDC would approve of our plan.
Unfortunately, Dr. Potter had to remain behind on the journey in order to protect his family. I thank him sincerely for his help. The stage has been set, and I’m ready for a war. Gus, I now speak directly to youspent too long on this campus, hugging children, high-fiving students, pretending to be so cute and innocent. Meanwhile, you go around eating people’s livers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Well, no more. The time has come for Gus to be put in his place and for our poor Shoreman to get the mascot recognition that he deserves; I mean, seriously, we’ve had two different mascots around for a long time, why do we even keep Gus around?
If I don’t come back, make sure my parents get my copy of “The Silence of the Lambs.” If I do, I’ll be sure to send a last minute press release.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m having an old friend for dinner. See you in Hell, Gus.
Last Minute Update:
Gus has been neutralized. You’re all safe now. The bridge to Kent Crossing has been destroyed, and a few faculty parking spots will need to be reconstructed, but that’s what Bunting gets for not believing me.
Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition. None of the information in this article is true.