Zero: George Washington
By George W. Bush
Here at Washington College, we all have come to know and love the life and achievements of George Washington. Our college is his namesake, and we have both a statue and a bust commemorating him. George Washington, founding father, leader of the Continental Army, the first President of the United States of America, the list goes on and on, but has anyone looked at good old George in a different light? I’ve dug up some stories about Washington that you may want hear.
When he was young, George threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River. What a waste of a perfectly good silver dollar. Were you made of money, George? Lady Liberty herself is weeping.
George also chopped down a cherry tree and later wore wooden teeth. Where is his sense of environmentalism? That is not eco-friendly I also believe that he needed a better dentist or at least a better toothbrush. How about you use some floss, George? Later in life George went on to do many things, such as leading the Continental Army and become pvresident of the United States of America, but did you know that George had to get a loan in order to attend his own inauguration? Maybe you shouldn’t have thrown that silver dollar George. George owned slaves even though he did not fully agree with the concept of slavery. Way to follow what you believe in George.
Long story short, what’s so great about this guy? Seems to me like he’s just an ordinary guy, with faults, insecurities, all that jazz. And really, who has time to admire a normal person?
Hero: The Stray and Feral Cats of the Campus
Ancient Egyptian Goddess of Cats
They’re this week’s heroes. That’s it. Do you really need an explanation? You listen to one crying underneath of a parked car in the middle of the night during the dead of winter and tell me that they’re not the real heroes of this campus.
Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition. None of the information in this article is true.