By Yuri Nader

Special Reporter for Yellow-Colored Topics

After last week’s tragic urine fire due to some dolt pissing on a power generator, Public Safety has released a guideline on how to properly piss publicly as well as the best places to do so.

 

Best Locations:

-Chemistry Labs: Chemists love pranks and if you alter their delicate experiments by urinating on them, you’ll be guaranteed to get a lot of laughs.

-On Kendall Weezall: Kendall still owes me $50, so if you could teach that bum a lesson on paying debts that would be nice.

-In other people’s cups: Cleaning up urine can be a pain, so if you keep it contained to small locations such as other people’s cups, you’ll be doing the cleaners a huge favor.

-On Kendall Weezall: There’s nothing more satisfying than pissing on somebody who truly deserves it, wouldn’t you agree?

-The quiet sections of the library: You may make a disturbance, but nobody will call you out on it because they don’t want to add to the disturbance.

-On Kendall Weezall: YOU STILL OWE ME $50

 

Best Methods:

 

Method 1: The old fashioned way.

The old fashioned way is an oldie but a goodie.  You’ll need a container of some sort as well as a tape measurer and some tape.  First, you fill the container up with urine.  Second, you go to any unmarked territory on campus.  Now before you dump your urine everywhere, it’s important to note that Public Safety only permits a maximum of 16 square feet per person, and they must be clearly marked.  Once that area is measured out, dump your urine on the outline of your territory and you have officially claimed that spot.  You may permit anyone you like to enter that spot. You may also assault unwanted strangers trying to take your land.  Remember, Maryland lacks Stand Your Ground Laws so be wary with firearms.

Director of Public Safety  Jerry Roderick wished to remind students of the proper execution of public urination incidents.

Director of Public Safety Jerry Roderick wished to remind students of the proper execution of public urination incidents.

 

Method 2: Out the window.

This maneuver involves opening a window and pissing out of it.  Do not however, “Throw caution to the wind,” as the wind may push your urine back into your face.  Remember: always take into account wind speeds before you empty your bladder.

 

Method 3: As a form of payment

There’s this bum named Kendall Weezall who borrowed $50 and promised to pay it back last month.  If you have a debtor who owes you money, feel free to show them that you mean business.  If you’d like to give Kendall the what for, Kendall lives on campus at Clarke Hall room 973 and can be called at 867-5309.  Hear that Kendall?  You’re finally going to be famous!

 

The Elm

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