By Caesar flickerman

Hunger Games Host

 

It was my priviledge to report live at the Opening Ceremony of the 408th Annual Hunger Games. Britain, or The Capitol, is still recovering from the major love-child scandal between colonial President Snow and The Capitol’s Queen Elizabeth. Just to recap, though: Queen Elizabeth was photographed looking slightly bloated, walking in the Royal Gardens, and the media jumped to her alleged affair with President Snow to create rumors of a love child on the way. Turns out that the Queen had drunk one too many cups of tea and just wanted to take a stroll to work it off.

As is traditional, I will provide a brief history of our glorious games before the tributes arrive. Since the founding of Jamestown in 1607, The Capitol has been determined to remind their districts of their glorious roots in Britain, and to remind its citizens of that horrible period in 1776 when the districts attempted to rebel. Therefore, two tributes are offered from each of the colonies, or districts, as a show of dedication to The Capitol.

Queen Elizabeth and President Snow were both in good spirits, sitting very far away from each other on opposite sides of the main viewing box. There was a massive controversy this time around about who the winner of the Hunger Games will be, and as always, I will remain your unbiased host.

As per usual, the tributes from District 1, Delaware, were first out of the gate. District 1 is forever proud to be the district first founded by The Capitol, but they do not seem like they have a good chance to win the tournament. No one knows why Delaware still exists and hasn’t been taken over by District 2. The tributes from District 2, Pennsylvania, looked fabulous and are on their way to building their future because they’re Amish carpenters. They definitely looked like they have the tools to win the game. They have hammered fear into the eyes of every other tribute and are almost shoo-ins to win this whole thing.

An exclusive promotional poster from The Capitol, or Britain.

An exclusive promotional poster from The Capitol, or Britain.

The tributes from District 3, Maryland, unfortunately have crabs, so they will not be participating in this year’s tournament. We will miss them. The tributes from District 4, New York, seemed a little full of themselves and displayed their usual empire state of mind. They looked as glittery as Times Square, and if there was an award for “Best Dressed,” and if they survive till the end, they would win it for sure. The tributes from District 5, New Jersey, were lovely in their Jersey Shore tans (real ones from the beach, not fake ones from the show). The cast of “Jersey Shore” was at the ceremony, though, cheering pretty loudly from the stands, raising the spirits of every New Jerseyian.

The District 6 tributes from Georgia weren’t looking that peachy. Apparently, both the tributes are on Coke and drink eight glasses of Coke a day. That sounds unhealthy. I don’t think District 6 has a very good chance of winning the Hunger Games this year. The tributes from District 7, Massachusetts, also seemed to be low in spirits because of provoking Queen Elizabeth’s bloated stomach condition by supplying all that tea to her party. Arriving next were the tributes from Rhode Island, District 8. The eighth district has probably the smallest, most microscopic chance of being noticed because the tributes and their mentors have made no effort to connect with any sponsors. God help them when the Amish from District 2 make their way into the arena.

We then saw the tributes from District 8 when suddenly all eyes went to the box seats. There appeared to be a squabble between Queen Elizabeth and the tributes from District 7.  Queen Elizabeth lit their costumes on fire because they’re made of tealeaves. Wow, she’s salty.

We had to cut to commercial after that but look forward to more live coverage. Stay tuned for more on the 408th Annual Hunger Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.

 

Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

The Elm

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In case you have missed it

In case you have missed it