I would like to address anyone who would support making our campus smoke free. Do you even college? I know that you probably think that I’m a stuffy, old professor who doesn’t smoke because it’s bad for my health, but live a little. I know I shouldn’t smoke but you know, everyone is doing it: professor-pressure, man. It’s a real problem. Besides, I look mysterious whenever students see me smoking below the library near the inclined walk. I bet they’re always wondering who that Colin Firth lookalike is. I feel like Heathcliff from “Wuthering Heights,” standing alone in a corner contemplating life; or like Batman, probably Batman.
I solemnly swear that I will obey the 25-feet rule because, firstly, let’s face it, all the cool kids smoke in far away, dark corners, and I have an image to uphold. Secondly, my wife works in the same building and can never find out that I smoke. I figure you have to lie about something in a marriage, so better a bad habit than an affair, am I right?
Plus, my wife has an annoying quirk of admiring nature, so she’s bound to see me somewhere near the greenery around the buildings. We already live in Chestertown, of all places; must she still look out the window to admire trees that look exactly the same?
In conclusion, the reasons for a campus that is NOT smoke free: I want to be like the cool kids, I have a tree-hugging wife, and I’m Batman.
Michael Keaton Professor of Vigilantism
Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition. None of the information in this article is true.