Local Chestertown Squirrels Attack Campus Community

By Mockingsquirrel

Rodent Reporter


Sociologist and professor Dr. Sandy Cheeks dedicated her life to studying, observing, and interacting with the Washington College squirrels. She has spent the last 15 years learning the different squirrel languages and mannerisms. Recently Mr. Squeakers, a squirrel that frequents campus, told her that the squirrels have been angry at the students and faculty. Dr. Cheeks said, “The squirrels have wanted to be the school’s mascot for a very long time. They were extremely offended when Gus the Goose was chosen.”

“The squirrels have felt ignored and misunderstood,” said Dr. Cheeks. She explained that they have gone to great lengths to attract attention from the students. She said, “At first all they wanted was to be accepted. Many of the squirrels would follow the students around and watch them from nearby trees or bushes. They believed that the best way to befriend the humans was to discover and imitate their habits.” However, when Gus the Goose was given the title of mascot they ended all attempts at friendship and became extremely aggressive.

Chemistry professor Dr. Sherman Klump expressed his dislike for the WC squirrels. “One of them squealed at me the other day. It was climbing up a tree and I heard it call me a Nutty Professor,” he said. The squirrels have also begun dropping fruit on students who stand under trees. Junior Patricia Acorn said, “I can’t believe it. A squirrel actually threw a pear at me.” When asked what she thought of the squirrels, she said, “I never really liked them to begin with. They are out of control.”

A member of the squirrel community sits perched on a trash can, plotting its next attack.
A member of the squirrel community sits perched on a trash can, plotting its next attack.

Dr. Cheeks said, “As the conflict continues, the squirrels are becoming more strategic. They have formed the organization Negotiation Union for Terrestrial Squirrels (NUTS). They have taken students and faculty hostage forcing them to dress up in squirrel costumes and chase each other around campus. The squirrels are also coercing WC into planting more trees in an effort to create a more squirrel-friendly environment.

Public Safety officer Pablo Bullwinkle has gone so far as to call them “environmental extremists with terrorist affiliations.” He said, “They have been attacking students and faculty with peanuts and Cracker Jacks. It is also possible that some squirrels have begun wearing red sweatpants with dark shoes.” It has also been reported that the squirrels have begun training as ninjas. They have sabotaged and spied on Gus the Goose. It is unclear how far the squirrels are willing to go. Gus has hired a bodyguard and is thinking about migrating early. His absence will be a great loss for the campus community.

Peace and Conflict Professor Dr. Nutella Sciuridae said, “WC is being extremely firm with the NUTS organization. WC will not negotiate with terrorists no matter how cute and fluffy they are. The College is doing everything in its power to bring a swift and peaceful end to the squirrel fiasco.“

Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

Dr. Cheeks explained that springtime is a very difficult time for squirrels. She said, “My plan is to distribute Snickers candy bars to all of the squirrels on campus because when they get hungry, they go a little nutty.”


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *