PS Launches New Smart Phone App

By Margarita Millie

Senioritis Connoisseur

Public Safety noted that use of the College’s LiveSafe App was underwhelming at best and they asked students to offer suggestions on how to improve the app. To their surprise students had very little interest in procuring Safe Ride or contacting Public Safety in times of need.

Instead of avoiding danger, thrill-seekers at Washington College want to find the sketchy situation closest to them and see what kind of trouble they can get into. Someone robs the Royal Farms armed with a machete? The LiveUnsafe app will provide a map and detailed directions to the scene. Want to go sledding down a staircase Friday night after having one too many? The app will list the best materials and methods to maximize the fun (and the injuries). It can also direct students to the least reputable sellers of illicit substances; and often establishes a route along poorly lit roads to make the most of the experience.

The app has been revamped and renamed to let everyone know there’s nothing safe about it. Employees at Public Safety are wary of the recent changes. “I thought students would be glad to have an easy-to-use app that puts you in touch with emergency services and Safe Ride, but if they’d rather connect with illegal arms dealers, I guess we have to give the people what they want,” said Public Safety dispatcher Irma Buzzkill.

Faculty and staff at the College have noticed an increase in reckless activity around campus since the app was introduced earlier this month. “We’ve had to confiscate a number of dangerous weapons from students’ rooms recently,” said Resident Assistant Never Knox. “Yesterday I had to convince one of my residents not to set off an entire box of fireworks in the hallway.”

It’s true that at random moments during the day students will receive notifications from the LiveUnsafe app providing ideas for adrenaline junkies and degenerates alike to liven things up. “Last time there was a snow day, the app told me how to make my own ice skates so I could skate on the Chester River,” said freshman Tote Lee Badess. “It recommended I tape some knives from the dining hall to my boots and give it a whirl.”

Members of the WC community who are not inclined to join in the madness are concerned that the app has had a negative effect on students’ academic performance and the College’s relationship with the town. “I think the app has really been great for my business though,” said Chestertown resident Sheila Thedeala.

The town council and The College’s administration are trying to ban the app to get the situation under control. Chestertown Police Department and Public Safety are so busy responding to incidents on campus that they have not been available to discuss the matter with town officials. Use of the app has increased tenfold since the changes were made.


Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

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