By Buckeye 

Ohio State Enthusiast

 

Could you imagine a school, especially a college, without any athletic programs? Get ready everyone. All Washington College athletic programs are shutting down at the end of the spring semester due to a shift in funds. Washington College President announced that since WC is a liberal arts college, The Arts program needs to be the primary focus. “Sports are not producing the students we want here at Washington College. It is time for the art department to take over and develop our current and future students,” said President Fundsalow.

Students got the feeling President Fundsalow would trim down athletic funds, but certainly not take away all funds from all athletic programs. With the $1.2 million going to the arts program, all 17 varsity sports are being forced to shut down. Not a single penny will go into the athletic funds. As a matter of fact, Fundsalow announced that the college is permanently closing the athletic department bank account at the end of the semester.

Writers’ Theater and WACapella will get more than half of the $1.2 million. WC will begin to destroy Athey Park and build a brand new “art’s only” building. This building will hold three new state-of-the-art theaters along with spacious dressing rooms and production rooms.

President of WACapella Tim Singalong is beyond excited with the shift in funds. “This will allow WACapella to expand and improve as a whole. We will now hold many more concerts for people to attend. Instead of sporting events, students can come out and listen to our beautiful voices,” said Singalong.

There are many consequences with the athletic department being shutdown. Athletes can not pursue their passion, employees will be fired and students won’t be able to attend sporting events. A total of 55 jobs will be cut and 290 student-athletes will not have a sport to play. Athletic Director No Morejob has intentions on fighting the funds cut. “It is absurd how all 17 varsity teams are being shut down. It is not fair to punish players, coaches and students just to improve our arts program,” he said.

Many traditions such as the annual War On The Shore and the Flock Out will now come to end. Students will now find themselves with much less events to attend on campus. Junior student section and school spirit enthusiast Loud Mouth ran around campus outraged. “Boy this has to be some joke. There is no way WC students want to attend sing-along concerts every weekend. We want to scream, cheer, and have fun at all the sporting events here at WC,” said Mouth.

Fundsalow and Morejob sat down to talk this past weekend, but no change was made. Morejob has already thrown a “For-Sale” sign on his front lawn. Sadly, Washington College students will slowly have to learn to love the arts department.

The most surprising aspect of the decision is the fact that this comes after the building as begun on the athlete-only dormitory.

“Unfortunately the decision had to come afterward,” Fundsalow said. “But we believe wasting millions on the new dorm will only benefit the college in the long run.”

 

Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

The Elm

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