WC Welcomes First Ursine President

By The Elm - Apr 03,2015@1:52 pm

By Kittie Lidder

Bear Wrangler Extraordinaire

Animal Control Officers were called to the scene in Bunting Hall this past Thrusday when it was discovered that a wild male grizzly bear had taken up residence in the President’s Office.

The grizzly was not causing an immediate threat to the premises and, in fact, was napping comfortably on a leather couch in the office after eating a salmon meal possibly obtained at an official College dinner. When newly elected SGA officials were taken to meet the interim president and realized that the occupant of the office was a wild bear, they called in the Animal Control experts.

Animal control experts estimate the animal had been in residence for at least a week, possibly even several months, judging by certain territorial markers he had established in the office. They questioned why the animal had not been noticed by administrative staff members who frequent the office.

“A bear of this age and size would have made considerable noise rumbling and growling, and spent most of his time in the office napping and scratching himself,” said Head of Washington College Animal Wranglers Harry McLarry. “I can’t imagine those behaviors were similar to that of the interim president.”

President Gryllswold stands behind his new desk ready to promote his grizzly agenda at WC.

President Gryllswold stands behind his new desk ready to promote his grizzly agenda at WC.

At this time Griswold has not been located. There was no sign of violence in the office and administrators sent out an email to reassure students that Interim President Jay Griswold had not been eaten by the grizzly bear. A search team has been formed to check all local antique shops and L.L. Bean retailers in efforts to locate him.

“I’m sure Jay is fine. The bear probably followed him back from a fishing trip and naturally picked up on the fact that the president’s office is the most sought after territory at the College,” said Professor Forest Pawpaw of the environmental science department.

In the meantime, an interim president is needed in order for WC to keep its charter. Overwhelming support has been heard from students and staff to keep the grizzly bear in his position in the head office.

SGA President Tyler Tator said, “He’s already been doing a stellar job for the past few weeks before it was realized that Griswold wasn’t in office. I think that this bear is just who WC needs to steer us towards the land of salmon and honey.” Others have brought up the fact that nothing intimidates donors to commit to the College’s endowment like the threat of an angry grizzly bear.

In order to prepare the bear for his new position, the Future Animal Professionals Club held a contest to name the College’s new leader. Of three carefully considered name suggestions Bear Gryllswold was chosen. The name received an overwhelming majority of votes because it “embodied the strength and ingenuity needed to run this college,” according to the organization’s President Guppie Gillwadder.

In order to learn more about Gryllswold’s campaign for office, email be@r$wag@aim.com.

Anyone with information on the whereabouts of former Interim President Griswold is encouraged to contact the Washington College Animal Wranglers.

 

Notice: This article is a part of the annual April Fool’s edition.  None of the information in this article is true.

The Elm

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