By Air Canine
Stump Staff Writer
“WASP-Man”—not to be confused with The Who’s “Waspman”—is Marvel Studio’s newest film in the works this year. “WASP-Man” is a film that centers on a 20-something, physically fit Caucasian male, but it’s totally different from the other movies that Marvel or DC comics will release within the next five to six years such as “Deadpool,” “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice,” “X-Men: Apocalypse,” “Captain America: Civil War,” “Gambit,” “Dr. Strange,” “Wolverine 3,” another “Guardians of the Galaxy,” “Thor: Ragnarok,” “Justice League,” “The Flash,” “Avengers: Infinity War 1,” another “X-men” movie, “Aquaman,” “Inhumans,” “Justice League 2,” “Green Lantern,” another “Superman” movie, and another “Batman” movie. Oh, and it will also be totally different from last year’s movies, too like “Ant-Man.” Now, I’m not saying WASP-Man could take Ant-Man in a fight, but WASP-Man could totally take Ant-Man in a fight.
“WASP-Man” is a film that breaks new barriers and explores territory never explored before in its genre such as an outstanding and strong female love interest who will be continually essential to the plot and probably live through all the sequels.
Speaking of sequels, you better sit tight because there will be more of them than you know what to do with. Yes, following the release of the first “WASP-Man” film, production of the sequel will already be underway. Just so you know, escape from the “WASP-Man” franchise is futile.
Even if the first one tanks, the suits of Hollywood will never be unconvinced that a grown man in Spandex pants is exactly what the American viewership demands at all times. Naturally the film will still be at a solid PG-13 rating. Movie studios can’t afford to scare off young teenage consumers, who they depend on while adamantly refusing to admit to that fact. This rating includes—but is not limited to—mild disfigurement, slow and melodramatic deaths from gunshot wounds, and a strict single f-word rule. Two f-bombs dropped, and you’ve gone too far.
Before you ask, of course the film will have the dry and contrived heterosexual romance subplot of every movie every made. That doesn’t mean they’re above queer-baiting the hell out of you if it comes to that. In their ever-original attempts to make the romance seem edgy and interesting, there will be a generous use of angst filled kissing in the rain after a string of misunderstandings that could have been easily resolved if only our super-macho hero knew how to communicate with women. All of this fabricated tension between our main couple will ultimately come to a firm resolution at the end, when WASP-Man rescues his beloved from the villain’s dastardly schemes and their previous romantic problems evaporate for no better reason than that.
If you’re looking to line the pockets of a few cynical businessmen who have been beating this tired-out cash cow to death for the entirety of the new millennium, look no further than this soon-to-be smash hit. After all, who needs something like imagination in Hollywood when all you need to create a successful franchise is to completely rip off or otherwise exploit a previously successful franchise? “WASP-Man” is something you definitely can’t miss this year. No really, you literally can’t miss it. They’ve got a huge merchandising team. That’ll ensure their hero’s face is plastered everywhere for months.