By Kewl Dued

Stump Staff $wag Expert

The removal of hoverboards from campus has occurred in a swift manner. An email  from the director of Public Safety was sent on March 17 announcing the prohibition against the devices because of “fire concerns” from the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC). Public Safety has been quick in hunting down and confiscating all of the current on-campus hoverboards to protect the safety of the students.

According to an anonymous source, however, this seems to be wildly untrue.

“It was like 2, 3 in the morning when I saw them,” the student said. “They were riding the hoverboards down the Caterwalk.”

If the hoverboards raised such a concern about student health, the student said he didn’t see a logical reason for the Public Safety officers to be using them, but they were.

Director of Public Safety Jerry Roderick rides his stolen hoverboard in the afternoon sun.

Director of Public Safety Jerry Roderick rides his stolen hoverboard in the afternoon sun.

As a result of this anonymous tip, The Stump launched an investigation to see whether or not the allegations were true.

After reaching out several times for comment, one anonymous officer stepped up to answer some questions because she didn’t condone the actions of her coworkers, she said.

“At first, it started as a real concern for student health, but when the email went out for students to turn over the boards to the department, the officers decided to use them for themselves.”

The anonymous officer recalled that after the first few boards had been confiscated, the officers had organized some races within their office. At first, she said, it seemed like just fun and games — and besides, the students weren’t using them anyway.

Then things took a turn.

The original email sent to students stated that, “Should a student already have a hoverboard on campus, please connect directly with the Public Safety Department for the safe removal of the battery and storage of the hoverboard until the hoverboard can be taken off campus safely.”

However, when a student went to reclaim his hoverboard to take home for the weekend, the officers said they could not relinquish it.

“I remember asking ‘Why not?’ and the officer said, ‘Because I said so,’” the student said. When the student threatened to go to another source of authority, the officer allegedly told the student that no one would help him.

The anonymous officer who agreed to be interviewed said that the public safety officers had not only been commandeering the hoverboards for late-night rides along the Caterwalk, but that they were also selling them to professors and faculty in secret.

“Soon, it became this crazy, black-market of hoverboards,” the officer said. “The other officers were auctioning them off for large sums of money or were just pawning them off to other faculty and staff.”

What’s worse, the officer said, is she tried to look for evidence that supported the claim that the CPSC had deemed them a fire hazard, but was unable to find anything of much significance.

As for the email’s comment about “revisit[ing] this policy when appropriate,” the officer said she couldn’t find any evidence of that, as well, stating that if there wasn’t any concrete evidence about the hoverboards being a danger, why wouldn’t they revisit the policy immediately?

“I think this has been their plan from the beginning,” she said. “They ride on a hoverboard of lies.”

The Elm

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