By Arizona Scones
Stump Staff Nook and Cranny Explorer
It is of no secret to the students, faculty, and staff of Washington College that last August we were struck with an unexpected tragedy when the much beloved business office burned to the ground. Being the persistent, well-organized, and emotionally sturdy organization that we are, the administration of WC wasted no time in setting up a new location for this essential part of our campus. Months later though, many students still wonder, “Where is the business office?” No matter how much you dig through the rubble and debris of 515 Washington Avenue you will not find the help you need.
The Stump Staff has always been concerned about the ability of WC students to find the business assistance that they need. At least, the editors are pretty sure that’s what the business office is; in all honesty, we still don’t know the difference between it, Human Resources, and whatever it is that they do in Bunting. All the same, in order to safe guard and assist this community, we sent a crack team of journalists to discover where exactly the current business office is located. Of the five that departed on the journey, which took them from the jungles of Borneo to the icy peaks of Arizona, only one returned. He currently resides in the rafters in the upper levels of Decker Theater, hiding his terrible burns and scars from the world. Now listen closely, dear readers. The Stump will only be printing this instructional list once.
First, you must approach the bust of George Washington that sits just outside Hodson Hall. Using precisely three fingers, you must simultaneously slip two into in his nostrils while the other must sensually tickle the inside of his eye socket. This will cause the statue to crack and twist into three separate segments, each containing different transforming geometric shapes. The pattern changes consistently, but you must always keep you eyes on the shape that shifts between a circle, triangle, and square and not a circle, triangle, and rhombus. Be careful. If you select the wrong pattern, a pit will open up beneath your feet and crossbred naked mole rats will slowly devour you. If you select the correct pattenr, a passageway will open upp, and you may descend into the subterranean hallway. Be careful not to touch the walls, for they are coated with a strong neurotoxin that will cause paralysis and obsessive proclivity towards ska music. Once you pass through the hallway, you will be greeted by a massive floor piano. Using only your feet, a’ la Tom Hanks in “Big,” you must play an instrumental arrangement of the alma mater to completion. This shouldn’t be an issue for all those who payed close attention on those bus rides to Mt. Vernon during orientation.
After the final keystroke, the room will slowly start to fill with water from the Chester River. This is where it gets tricky. Your immediate reaction might be to run toward the open door at the other end of the chamber, but this is a trick. Inside, you will find nothing but darkness and despair. Do not enter the room. Please, just don’t. I don’t even want to write about it.
Instead, use those skills you learned in the swim center swim test to remain afloat until you let the water carry you to the small hole on the ceiling. Wriggle your way through, and you will find yourself inside the business office. Geographically, we still have no idea where exactly the business office is located or for that matter if it is even a part of this physical plane. As far as we can tell, it may in fact exist in some pocket dimension that can only be accessed under extreme physical and mental duress.
Please remember that the business office is only open from 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday. One of our team members attempted the test on a Saturday. We have yet to hear back from her, although some reports say that she materialized somewhere in the Caucus Mountains and now herds goats for a living.