Dr. Schindler to Consume Baby Ducks

By The Elm - Mar 31,2017@1:00 am

By The Earl of Worcestershire Sauce
Morning Oak Staff Writer
There have been rumors on campus of students buying ducks and keeping them as pets in various dorms. A recent Public Safety report has shown that this is false. The ducks were intended to be kept as livestock and slaughtered for consumption. They will be used in Professor William Schindler’s newest class, “How to Raise Your Own Food with the Stuff I Found in My Backyard.”
The chair of the anthropology department was unavailable for comment, as it is a chair and therefore unable to speak.
The chairperson of the anthropology department was unavailable for comment as he was out shopping for a new chair because an angry reporter broke his old one.

Schindler

Dr. Schindler poses with the ducks for his new class, “How to Raise Your Own Food with the Stuff I Found in My Backyard.”

The acting Standing-Person of the Anthropology Department Professor Mai Legzurt said, “I think it’s wonderful that Dr. Schindler is going to give his students a real hands-on experience. That’s what anthropology is about, embracing the way humans have existed in the past. I will never forget my anthropology thesis, which involved the use of a time machine to truly experience the way we lived one thousand years ago. Soon, I will finish my thesis and I shall return to the year 3017.”
Dr. Schindler was also enthusiastic about his new class. He said, “After I was told that my previous few class ideas were ‘unsafe,’ ‘would put students in danger,’ and that I ‘can’t just leave people in the middle of nowhere to teach survival skills with primitive methods,’ I realized that I would have to bring it here on campus.  These ducks are going to be raised the way our ancestors raised them millennia ago. I wanted to bring in some more animals, but ducks were the only ones that the College would allow. Go figure.”
Regarding the rest of the animals, he said, “I thought about getting some cats, dogs, rats, foxes, bears, and elephants from the local Inhumane Society, but it would reflect poorly on the College to partner with them.”
He also noted that the class would teach students how humans as a species have raised, slaughtered, and consumed livestock over the years. He is currently building a working model of the Chicago meat-packing plant made famous by Upton Sinclair’s classic novel “The Jungle.”
When contacted via seance, Upton Sinclair’s ghost said, “Why did you go to all this effort to contact me? I mean do you not know what ‘Rest In Peace’ means? It means I don’t wanna be disturbed.”
Students are already signing up for the class. Sophomore anthropology major Butch Herr said, “I’ve always wanted to learn about how we’ve eaten meat. That goes double  for the process of how we get it.”
Junior and chemistry major Carrie Canary said, “I’ve heard that he [Dr. Schindler] is a fun professor, and the class seems like something that would be neat to take. That, and I need the distribution credits.”
Students may register for the class via Webadvisor. Sad!

The Elm

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