By Rosamund Mic
Level 5 Mage

This weekend, President Donald Trump ruined yet another important chance for diplomacy, this time, from the comfort of the oval office itself. Lord Zoolamorg, Overlord of the Lizard People, dug up from under the presidential desk this weekend for a chance to talk about new intercultural communications, and Trump responded with rudeness.
This meeting could have been an important moment for the new president to set a standard and show that the United States will be gracious to our neighbors, even the ones that live underground beneath our homes. Trump, however, instead of shaking hands with Zoolamorg, refused to touch his scales, forcing the Lizard king to spit toxic slime onto the president. This, of course, turned Trump’s hands into lizard claws.
Gwen Sedonne at the Yew Nork Timez said, “The lizard hands are most likely permanent, and will assuredly offend future lizard visitors and aliens alike.”
It is unclear now how the new lizard claw features will affect Trump’s ability to tweet, but it is evident that Lord Zoolamorg returned underground very unhappy.
Ima Tryin with NBD said, “In an interview with NBD, Zoolamorg claimed, ‘Blesrt seeeeeeeet hasyth blurhhhhhh boogll.’ It is unclear what he meant by that, but he looked very upset when he said it, and his forked tongue came out a lot during the interview.”
Trump himself did not comment on this meeting, but when asked about it, Kellyanne Conway said, “There was a lizard man? Oh, not again.”
This is not the first time Trump has offended non-human governmental representatives. Let’s not forget the infamous photoshoot for Mime magazine during Trump’s campaign in which a bald eagle, our nation’s symbol, attacked Trump’s fingers. Perhaps the bird was trying to warn Trump that, if he offended more animal creatures in the future, his hands would indeed be in danger. This kind of repetitive problem with Trump will lead to more diplomatic mishaps in the future.
If Trump has any chance of maintaining peace with the underground neighbors that we apparently have, he needs to get reconstructive surgery on his hands immediately. Even his tiny hands that were so ridiculed before would be better than this diplomatic mess we now find ourselves in.
There is no word on whether or not Zoolamorg will return for another meeting, but significant underground activity has been reported across Washington DC since the incident. Pay attention to your local mysterious holes in the backyard and report to the authorities if any pet lizards go missing, in case they might have joined Zoolamorg in anger. In these tumultuous times, we must all stay vigilant.

The Elm

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