WAC Looks to ‘Just Do It’

By The Elm - Mar 31,2017@1:00 am

By Lights Out Shooter
Hitting deep threes

In a move that some call “shocking” and “a waste of money,” Washington College has suddenly decided to switch their athletic apparel from Under Armour to Nike. A new shipment of Nike gear is expected to arrive next week.
Despite lacrosse, baseball, tennis, and softball being in season, all three teams will be given fresh jerseys and gear as soon as it arrives. The strong dislike for Under Armour is evident amongst athletes, coaches, and faculty.


After gaining new sponsorship, Washington College has made the decision to burn their old gear and impose penalties for any student found wearing it.

“We’re switching to Nike because Nike is the best athletic brand in the world. If we want to be the best we must wear the best. It all starts with your apparel, if you don’t have the best and most expensive clothes then you’re not doing it right,” said head athletic trainer Chad S’moore.
Even though Under Armour is a hometown brand they are also known for sponsoring young up-and-coming stars such as Red Hot Curry, Bruce Hoper, and Cammeron Newtowner.
Newtowner has a reputation for having fun and had one of his best seasons in 2015 when he carried his team to 15-1 and lost in the Super Bowl. Curry is infamously known for blowing a 3-1 lead in the finals in 2016 to the Ohio Cavaliers.
The Cavs best player, Bron Jameison is sponsored by Nike, thus Nike has a proven track record of winning. In hindsight ,Under Armour athletes are known as chokers and WC wants to distinguish themselves as champions.
Better yet, Nike has decided to sponsor all our athletes with free gear. Instead of athletes paying for gear themselves Nike will provide gear for free. This includes shoes, backpacks, socks, sweatshirts, sweatpants, cleats, jerseys, shorts, and even water bottles.
“WC has excelled every part of their athletic performance. In my mind, all WC athletes are exceptional and should all receive professional contracts in their respective sport. We have decided to sponsor WC because we hope to sign every athlete after they graduate from school,” said Nike’s CEO Kilper Phlight.
Instead of donating the extra jerseys and gear to charity, WC has decided to burn all Under Armour gear. This will take place on an off-campus location, details to be determined soon.
“If anyone is caught wearing Under Armour gear they will be given a citation immediately, if they are seen wearing it again then they will appear before the Honor Board. I don’t want to give out suspensions but we must rid ourselves of all Under Armour clothes and shoes. This rule applies to all students, even those who do not participate in varsity athletics,” said WC President Mrs. Buckets.
Screen Shot 2017-03-27 at 7.04.11 PMEven club athletics will be sponsored by Nike, many club athletes are former varsity athletes and those who did not participate in college sports are still extremely athletic. Also, Nike did not want anyone to feel left out so they’re expanding their sponsorship to club athletes. No longer will club athletes have to request funding from the Student Government Association, SGA.
After this sudden decision, many Division II and even some division I athletes will be transferring to WC. Many include basketball, lacrosse, and baseball players. Due to the NCAA rules, the names of transfers are not public until their propective season start, but but S’moore has indicated the number of transfers will rise by at least fifty.
With more people around campus, WC is looking to ex to expand and keep winning games to attract a younger generation as well as current Division II and Division I athletes. WC will also consider stealing athletes away from rival schools such as Johns Hopkins and Franklin and Marshall.

The Elm

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


In case you have missed it

In case you have missed it