In an effort to further insinuate their presence over the campus, the Washington College Public Safety department will begin a step-by-step conversion of the remaining space in Wicomico into a series of holding cells. Head of Public Safety Jerry Roderick doesn't anticipate any resistance from students currently residing in the dorm.
"We don't like to discuss this much outside of the office, but the students are pretty much living in cells anyway," Roderick told reporters at a press conference Tuesday. "So things won't be all that different after the conversion."
Roderick plans to refurbish the rooms. "Prisoners have rights, they're not college students."
Cries of outrage have been voiced by residents of Chestertown. When asked about this, Roderick said, "It will create a rich and diverse background for Chestertown, much like the prison colonies of New Zealand. We're thinking about the youth of Chestertown. The community will benefit."
Residents of both Worcester and Somerset said that "the prison next door would be great. More drinking buddies to hit up with!"
When questioned about what kind of prisoners would be admitted without hesitation, Jerry Roderick said, "Psychopaths with a history of child molestation, murderers with boils on their asses, and convicted cybersex criminals." He also mentioned that the current Internet connections will stay, because the perverted prisoners need a link to the outside world to fulfill their sexual needs. Roderick also mentioned that they plan to hire twice the amount of cleaners to clean up mysterious substances that will most probably magically appear in the prisoners' cells during the night..
With all the action going on in the cells, Public Safety officers were concerned with the possibility of the floors breaking, especially with the preferred type of inmate.
An advert was sent out to prisons all across the country. "We are looking for a specific type of inmate and we can't screw around with idiots," said Eddie Cox, an influential member of the board. They are looking for prisoners with a long perverted sexual history. "Otherwise, it just can be called a revolving door prison," Eddie Cox noted. "If we're not selective, why don't we call the whole country a prison, full of perverted nobodies on the Internet?" His vulgar content has been noted by other members of the board present at the press conference. One board member, Jonathan Hecock, said that his vulgar "spasms are a sign of his addiction to cybersex and endless sexual perversions that've plagued his life. Obviously, he conned Mr. Roderick into doing something that is obviously beyond all sense of convention." Roderick, who had been listening to Mr. Hecock's remarks, said, "I beg to differ! His idea is dynamite-absolute brilliance!"
A resident of Chestertown voiced his concern about the security of the compound. Eddie Cox spoke up in an instant, saying, "They'll be so busy with the Internet they won't have time to fathom means of escape."
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