The Elm Student Newspaper
Administration has unexpected epiphany: "We Suck"
Someone
Master Chef John S. Toll cooks
up a new academic program for WC.
By some schmuck with a camera,
Elm photographer
Earlier this week, Dr. Toll and the college administration circulated a memo to the faculty, staff, and student body. The memo stated that after attending their first Orange Fence Party and following their next-morning hangovers, a group consensus was reached: they have been doing things completely and utterly wrong.
In an interview with Dr. Toll, done while he was paying homage to his personal porcelain potty, the president admitted his private guilt: "It was just yesterday that I found out this was indeed a college! I mean, imagine that! I thought that this was a ritzy fast food chain. I always wondered why people were allowed to loiter around here all the time."
Provost and Dean Joachim Scholz added, "I saw a painting once. In it was the phrase 'Washington College.' That was my first clue that something was amiss. Then I saw all of these people congregating in different rooms, writing complicated numbers on big black boards. I figured they must be plotting to take over the restaurant chain, so I naturally have spent the last six years hiding beneath my desk.
"But don't worry, I have a teddy bear to keep me company. Yes, sweet, sweet, Froggy, you'll never leave me."
Dean Maxcy, however, was onto the whole "college existence thing.
I just acted innocent and unaware; that way I wouldn't have to actually do anything."Maxcy has often been spotted in his office watching X-Men, knitting scarves, and fine-tuning his talent as a French horn extraordinaire.
He has also been heard giggling like a schoolchild whenever Toll mentioned the "Fast food chain's profits."
Students have always been curious as to why Toll was so amazed with dinner at the illustrious Dining Hall.
"Where the hell are the toys? The toys. The toys..." he was heard whimpering one day during a red-cheeked temper tantrum on the Cater Walk.
"After the president found out the truth, he was devastated," said Vice President for Administration and confidante Joe Holt. "I spent an hour and a half holding him and rocking him back and forth, singing 'Hush little baby, don't you cry...'"
The administration is currently taking measures to remedy the situation.
"We need to start treating this as a real institution of higher learning," said Toll disappointingly as tears streamed down his cheeks. "I guess that means I'll have to cancel the 300 bulk orders of McDonald's french fries I put in last week. So salty... Mmmm."To the students, Toll crooned, "We love to see you smile."
He then proceeded to pat his head, rub his tummy, and hop on one foot.
"I am the fairy queen," Toll boasted.
Maureen McIntire, Dean of Student Affairs, contests Toll's fanciful claims.
"How can we possibly make this institution education-based when our fearless leader believes himself to be a pixie?" McIntire posed.
She suggests an entirely new approach: "Now that we're leaving the fast food business, I think our new institution should enroll students based upon nude gladiator competitions."
Another administrator was heard lamenting, "We really need to stop firing cooks - I mean, professors."
Dr. Scholz noted, "I agree. There are way too many cooks on this campus. Wait, that didn't make any sense."
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