Much of the money saved from underpaying staff and eliminating professors has finally been found in Dunning Decker.
Soon-to-be former President John S. Toll has been hiding the money in a safe in the floor under his endowed Physics chair. Also found in the safe were a collection of tapes, which have been identified as recordings of his meetings during his time as president.
Several revealing tapes describe the plans of removing individual faculty members as well as entire positions. Authorities hope these tapes will explain the type of madman logic used in these faculty decisions.
Perhaps the most intriguing is one tape that contains an eighteen and a half minute gap. The existence of a gap seems odd since so much damning information has been left on the tapes. The only clue to the content of the gap is the statement immediately preceding it. President Toll, apparently addressing VP Joe Holt said, "Did I ever tell you about my real father? His name was Adolf."
After some research, it has been discovered by the extremely talented Elm investigative staff that although Hitler killed himself and his wife Eva on their wedding day, he did have a bastard son born a few years earlier.
It is believed that this son may have been brought by submarine to Long Island, New York.Naturally, conspiracy theorists have already pounced on this possible "Toll connection" and point to two interesting facts.
First, after starting as a lowly Physics professor at Stony Brook, Toll moved to take control of the institution and was extremely successful.
Later, he assumed the Chancellery of the University of Maryland System.
Hitler's title was also Chancellor. Coincidence?
As for the reason for keeping tapes of his meetings, there has been only one explanation.
It seems that Toll was hoping to write his memoirs, entitled Mein Kampf
II: If you can't be dictator of an empire, then be a dictator of a small
educational institution.
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