The Elm Student Newspaper
VP Joe Holt brings rap revolution to campus
Me
Word to y'motha!
Courtesy of www.yomama'soncrck.com
Joseph Holt did not always have it this easy. Growing up in the projects of Bel Air, Maryland, he faced deprivation of food, respect, opportunities, and the only thing that saved him was his passionate devotion to keepin' it real.
Now, of course, as his inauguratory album, the Joe Holt LP, has skyrocketed to double platinum in the past two weeks, it is fair to say that Holt has finally made it.
Joey Holt is not, not a fightin' Turk!
He fought free of the mean streets
and got himself some office-work,
gonna cap yo' ass now cause he goin' berserk!
Thus begin the lyrics of the title track of the Joe Holt LP. In addition to its incredible commercial success, the album has been critically acclaimed by voices in the music business as respectable as Rolling Stone.
"Holt's first offering promises the rap genre a great new white hope. Not since The Horse Whisperer played in theaters has such a magnificent man spoken to such a horse beauty," said the pop trend-setting magazine.
The review continued: "The album ranges from heart-stirring eloquence to the breathtaking misery of losing a friend in a savage yet erotic-to-witness-second-hand gang-bang to the ugly red feelings that hide deep in the hypothalamus."
Holt responded to the lavish praise modestly. "Aw, shucks," he said. "It weren't no thing."
"This is exactly why I'm happy to have Holt as my VP for Administration," said president of the college John Toll. "His rhymes are down with it, you know?"
Maxcy was also in support of his fellow WC Funkmaster: "Holt knows where it's at. Even though he's really white, ya heard?"
Maxcy then curled up at the foot of Holt's chair, turning his wide eyes upward at his newfound gangsta hero.
Holt stared down admiringly at his little friend, patting his head.
He said, "Someday, little Ed, my homeslice. You can be my little Bow-Wow. My Eminem. My Dream. And I'm not talking about the dirty kind, word."
Holt has been approached by a wanna-be Gangsta Rappa at WC: Richard "Tupac" DeProspo, who will be leading the Tupacalypse Now course next semester.
He has asked Holt to be a guest lecturer during the semester, but Holt has blatantly refused.
"He doesn't keep it real, yo. He fronts with that Fonzi-esque leather jacket of his. I am the real shit, yo. Peace."
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