The Elm Student Newspaper
Hubley outsmarts administration; clones himself
Replication Fork
Hubley Hubley Bo Bubly Banana Fanna Fo
Fubley Me My Mo Mubley ... Hubley2.
Larry Rower, Pissed Alum
In response to his recent firing, Dr. Hubley decided that his Spring Break should not be spent getting wasted and being depressed: "I decided after a few days of practicing Satanic rituals with voodoo dolls for the entire administration that there had to be a better way to find some answers."
Hubley, after a shot of Bicardi 151, explained, "After finding out from the Deans that I had been fired because of a lack of research - they chose to ignore that paper I just got published, that book offer, all the students who work for me, and the heart condition I have gotten resulting from staying awake 24 hours a day so I can teach, too - I approached Dr.
Ford on how to remedy this situation."Ford, an amazing and highly published geneticist, whose students always understand her and praise her for her communication skills, "scheduled an appointment with me, but then had to cancel because she had just found exams from last year's Genetics class in her pigsty of an office and urgently had to grade them," said Hubley.
So Hubley decided, "F--- it. These people expect me to be an amazing professor and researcher - and I'm going to do it!"
Here is where Hubley's genius came to him (blame it on the acid trip, whatever, it's genius nonetheless): Hubley cloned himself.
This task was not simple, said Hubley, because "even though Delusional Eminent Physicist Toll thinks we have the facilities, time, and money to carry out Harvard-esque research, all I had in my lab was some leopard frogs and Ringer's solution. But I was not about to let this stop me [kamikazie shot here]!"
A raid of Dr. Ford's lab was necessary: "The woman got me fired; I'm going to steal her toys. So I grabbed all that genetics-related crap from her lab, and after reading her absolutely clear-cut lecture notes I realized cloning myself would be entirely possible, after a couple of six packs of Natty Boh, of course."
Hubley proceeded with his experiment and in just under 24 hours there was borne Hubley 2, the Research Half o' Hubley.
Said Hubley 1 while rummaging for his Scotch, oh wait - this article is about Hubley, "Now while I'm in class or proctoring labs, i.e. carrying more courses than any of those Philosophy professors can complain about, Hubley 2 can carry out the all-important research that potential WC students are obviously looking for."
Hubley 2 had no comment as he was entirely consumed with learning how to clone organs using dull, rusty scalpel blades and distilled water: the extent of his supplies.
"It's a shame, because he doesn't even understand how to pass a Ford exam or even speak, but he can research anything and everything. I guess a bad grade in Genetics doesn't show someone's true intelligence."
Hubley 1, whose heart problem has assuaged since the appearance of Hubley 2, but who now suffers from extensive kidney damage and an alcohol habit due to stress, was in his office battling a hangover when Ford approached him about the stolen lab equipment.
"I told her to kiss my ass. And then my other ass, too."
Ford threatened to clone herself, at which point Super Verville decided the madness must stop, and returned to WC.
Hubley 1, naturally, celebrated with Absolut Citron.
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