The Elm Student Newspaper
Spring Break "Faculty Gone Wild" now on DVD
Darpae Telnorile
DeProspo belly dances for the camera
during his spring break get-away in Guam.
Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye, Lame BoyBand photographer
The week of March 12 was a blessed one for the student body - the sacred tradition of Spring Break where one can venture to a foreign locale, or at least off campus for several hours.
For some, time away from classes means getting to know friends better, such as those true blue buddies Jose Cuervo and Jack Daniels.
The faculty looks forward to this week as well; it is a time to recharge and spend time with their families. Several professors and administrators shared their juicy exploits.
Dr. Robert Mooney was actually found on campus with a stack of term papers.
Said Mooney, "I took a break from the novel and other literary pursuits I was working on and grabbed some papers from Kathy Wagner to grade. You wouldn't believe how happy I was to get back to the drivel some of you students write - it affirmed the belief in my personal voice and craft. It reminded me of a poem I was reading the other week."President Toll was in the middle of a nap and couldn't be disturbed.
However, his secretary mentioned a recent addition to his "Long-term Goals" list: "Screw over more faculty and ignore student protests - their parents already paid up. Dupe Board of Visitor's and Governors into complete domination - they're old and stupid."Said Dr. Richard Gillin, "What did I do? I spent the time calling every farm near Kiplin Hall - the last thing I need is to spread foot-and-mouth disease all over northern England! We've already ordered tickets, so there's no backing out now, dammit!"
American Studies and English professor Richard DeProspo did things. It would be best not to ask about them directly, since the whispered accounts claim they involved a can of "Fix-a-Flat," black fuzzy dice, DW-40, motor oil, jumper cables - and no vehicle whatsoever.
Professor Lisa Graham went to Nebraska over break.
She explained, "I wanted to start a study of the term 'chuckholes,' its morphology and so on - their influence on modern transportation is important, too. Plus all of you students were really starting to get on my nerves; I needed the break."
"Why the hell are you bothering me?" said Professor Bob Day.
"Go do something important, like writing an essay! Or how about an editorial about the escalating political tensions in Chechnya that are turning violent? I have to write a piece about Paris because the one in my class's anthology is horrible. Get out!"Professor Lamond also did further research for his new gay and lesbian literature course.
"I spent a few hours at these clubs in D.C.- it was really quite enlightening. Several patrons took me shopping," he stated.
Dr. Hubley spent the time scouring the employment sections of The Baltimore Sun and the Kent County News with little success.
"It's just hard to get anything where I feel comfortable - every time I look at a supervisor, I see John Toll, and I lose all concentration due to the numbing years of mindless lip-service. The interviews haven't been going well," He explained in the middle of Power Hour, which has now replaced his regularly-scheduled Office Hours.
The entire Biology Department started searching for new jobs during their Spring Break, just in case the newly formed Mutiny Against Great Professors Coalition gained even more power.
Hubley explained, "Hell, we're all just a bunch of cool science geeks. But now we're pissed off science geeks. Yowzas."
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