After countless hours of negotiations, the seven-month stand-off over a commencement speaker between the Washington College Administration and the Class of 2001 has finally come to an end. Upon emerging from the smoke-filled negotiation room in Smith Hall, Dean Scholz, his eyes bloodshot from sleep-deprivation and his hands shaking from too much caffeine, summarized the terms to which the parties agreed: "Everyone will speak at graduation."
Looking equally tired, SGA president Jillian Matundan, expounded upon Scholz's words. "By everyone, we mean everyone!"
President Toll, also present at the proceedings, looked curiously rested.
The Administration long held firm to its position of having the famous talk-show hostess Oprah Winfrey as the commencement speaker. In bold defiance of the powers-that-be, the Senior Class held a popular vote for a speaker, but ultimately had to discard all ballots due to low voter turn-out, confusion over the ballot format, and too many requests for a recount of the two votes actually legible. With time ticking away, both sides finally agreed to meet and hammer out an agreement.
Under the terms of the negotiation, all students, faculty, and staff will be required to give a fifteen-minute speech at commencement. "Andy Worhol said everybody gets fifteen minutes of fame, after all," said Scholz. Any parents and friends in attendance will be required to speak, as well.
Invitations have also been extended via Fed-Ex, telegraph, and yak courier to the other approximately six billion inhabitants of this world. Little Timmy Roderiguez of Providence, Rhode Island, was the first to RSVP. He plans to speak about the cat he saw in his backyard last Thursday. "The kitty was orange," said Timmy.
"We anticipate that most people will attend," said Finance and Management VP Louis Stettler, speaking via closed-circuit television from his secret underground lair. "If we don't achieve our quorum, we'll launch the tactical nuclear devices that you see behind me at all of the world's major urban centers."
"What'd you think all that tuition money was going towards?!?!" Stettler added, cackling maniacally.
Plans have also been put into motion to include the rest of humanity, across time. Special cloning vats, a joint venture of the Chemistry and Biology departments, have already begun producing the biological and physiological copies of the world's most famous personalities.
"We're working on the big names, first," said one member of the Biology department, who spoke on terms of anonymity. "Big names mean recognition, which means more money, which is what this school cares about most, after all."
Members of VISIONQUEST, the new alternative religions group on campus, have been contracted to contact via seance potential speakers whose remains can no longer be differentiated from the soil.
When complete, the list will include such notables as renowned physicist Steven Hawking; non-violent Indian freedom-fighter Mohandas Ghandi; Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth I of England; Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius; and Ug, the caveman, inventor of fire and the wheel. It will also include the entire staff of Play It Again Sam's.
The commencement ceremony is expected to be quite lengthy. Said Dr. Eugene Hamilton of the mathematics department, "In order to get the total time for the ceremony, you must anticipate a total influx of six billion speakers from the current world population, factor in the current inhabitants of Washington College, add in an exponential integer representing the -" before his head exploded.
"Well, that's one less person to speak at graduation," said Hamilton's assistant.
The construction of a gigantic coliseum to house the ceremony has already begun. When complete, the structure will cover the entire United States and will be visible from beyond the edges of the galaxy. The ceremony will begin promptly at 10:30 a.m. and will continue until finished. Deceased students will be replaced with their progeny/next-of-ken, and their diplomas awarded posthumously.
At press time the small but elite fringe group supporting Steve Irwin, the wacky Australian Crocodile Hunter, as sole speaker still remains at large.
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