Except for the American woman, nothing interests the eye of the American man more than an automobile, or seems so important to him as an object of aesthetic appreciation. - Alfred Hamilton Barr, Jr., first director of the Museum of Modern Art, New York
It's no secret that men love cars. It's pretty simple: young man spends time and money on a fast car. Fast car attracts women. Young man spends time and money on women. He opens his car doors for new women. Young man becomes married man. Married man starts to spend more money and time on his car. Married man still opens the car door for his wife, but only because it's a new car.
Cars are a threat to women and it's only going to get worse as men grow older and become more interested in checking under the car hood than skirts. The two-axle machine men initially believe will get them laid holds the potential to render them celibate once the car "hobby" turns "addiction."
The choice is clear - cars come with instruction books. Men can understand fuel injection systems but may never comprehend the two hours women routinely take to prepare for a night out.
Can't understand? Watch "Fast & The Furious," "Gone in 60 Seconds," "Days of Thunder," or any James Bond movie and see the special bond between man and machine. Behind the wheel of a car, adrenaline only comes at the cost of gasoline.
Despite what Freud would say, a man's car is more of an extension of his personality than his penis. Knowing how to take apart and repair a car is practical experience and with a little creativity there is hardly a limit to what a man can do with his car.
Let's face it: any little boy's Christmas List has toy cars but no Barbies. There is something instinctual for males about having control behind the wheel, and when we can't find it in our relationships, it's natural to turn to cars for what women won't give us. Men like to drive the relationship. Women sit in the passenger seat and entertain men as they determine the destination-or at least that's how it was supposed to be.
Nowadays, there are as many women drivers as men. All we have left of chivalry is "The door test." This is when, on a traditional date, men unlock and open the car door for a female. When the man walks to enter on the driver's side, if the female hasn't unlocked the door for him, the woman is supposedly selfish and deserves to be dumped. However, I tend to give the woman the benefit of the doubt-with present day technology, the woman might be confused with power locks, keyless entry or my stunning display of chivalry. But if I don't have to put my key in the driver's door to enter the car -that's real chivalry.
As some car enthusiasts have attempted to convince me, their hard work on cars serves to attract the right kind of girl-a girl who understands cars enough to share the necessary common interests the guy deems important.
When I received my first hand-me-down vehicle in high school, I loved trips to Pep Boys and washed my car at least once a week, Weezer blaring from my garage. Since then, I've often forgotten I have a car at college, and am lucky to clear trash out once a semester rather than worry about dust on the dashboard.
I just can't wait to move to New York City and save money on car insurance, because finally I'll do what I was meant to do-walk and meet women. Okay, maybe I'll buy a dog to help.
300 Washington Avenue, Chestertown, Maryland 21620 | 410-778-2800 | 800-422-1782