The Elm Student Newspaper
Wow...Really? Strategic Grill Locationsc
Volume 80, Issue 25
May 1, 2009
By Cole Eshbach
Elm Staff Writer
A more appropriate title might be: How many Mitch Headberg jokes can I insert into this article before I am accused of blatantly plagiarizing, as opposed to just doing it incognito.
So last year around this time a former RAD got to graduate after some pretty shady stuff happened… That’s okay, I guess. As long as nobody on honor board does the exact same thing with no repercussions, then I am okay with that.
I guess, in their defense, it was their girlfriends. No wait, that makes it worse…?
Recently, to build a financial nest egg to contribute to my grad school fund, I took a job at Best Buy. If anyone ever wants to ask me any questions about BS prices on iPods, the inner workings of MPH, or political intrigue in the home theater department, I’ll be… surprised.
I heard Tipson is retiring. I would like to throw my hat in as his successor. I don’t think I would do a better job. I just think I could have a lot more fun with the budget. For one thing, there would be way more of those escalator walkways that they have at casinos and airports. The good news is if they ever break down, they will just become paths that can be walked upon, with a sign that says sorry for the convenience.
Also, I would spend an inordinate amount of money to make sure that the tiny gym in Sassafras has more working equipment, namely exercise bikes, than our actual school gym. I mean one of them has been split in half for the past month, and it is still sitting in the weight room. Who’s using that bike? I mean besides an International student who doesn’t know any better, but that is hardly a sincere representation of Washington College. I mean he is from Tanzania, what does he know?
I would also want to spend a lot of money to build a statue dedicated to John Mayer. Not because his music is that good; just because I think he is probably a pretty prickish guy in real life, and I respect that. Wait, that joke sucked, and that is why this article is not called John Mayer Statue.
When I am President of the school I will also give out a lot of ridiculous choices of Doctor of Letters degrees to people just to see if they come to collect them.
I mean, come on, who does not want Lil’ Wayne to actually be referred to as Dr. Carter? I will also scour the country far and wide to find someone with the last name of Acula… think about that last one for a while for me.
I am sorry to say that I missed War-on-the-Shore last week because I had to work. I am a little sad about that… on the other hand I have never seen a lacrosse game in my entire life, and I am unlikely to see one anytime soon, so I might actually come off a little insincere with that statement.
I did play lacrosse one week in gym class in the eighth grade, but I doubt that gave me the full experience. I mean, we played tennis one week too, but that does not make me Andy Roddick. That was me pretending to know something about tennis.
By the way, as a Steelers fan, let me just say, the Ravens might win a championship this year, if they join the Vegas league.
I live off campus, and I am sad to say that the only time I heard about the Elm was when Bedrock wrote that letter-to-the-editor, but I am going to tell you the same thing I told him; that stuff was way funnier than anything I ever wrote. I ain’t that good, goddamnit.
I hope everyone has a good life and remember what David Merrick once said, “It is not enough to succeed, others must fail.”