In the spirit of Halloween, I have composed a list of the most unintentionally horrifying movie moments in recent film history. Hopefully, you have not suffered through these moments. If you have, I would like to apologize for reminding you of them.
Number One
Pierce Brosnan singing “S.O.S.” in Mamma Mia. Okay, that’s a little unfair—unfair, that is, to the definition of “singing.” Brosnan, contrary to popular belief, actually does not sing this song—he horribly maims and butchers the innocent and undeserving ABBA hit. With the vocal range of a sick donkey, it’s quite horrifying that someone would actually choose this man to be in a movie musical. Wasn’t this guy James Bond? Was there really no one else available? I feel like Brosnan should have been the very last resort, right after canceling the movie’s production. The terror remains even if the movie is on mute.
The man’s facial expressions are painful enough without even listening to the horrible inhuman noise that is his voice. If you don’t believe me, watch the video on YouTube. First, with sound, and then (if you’re not cowering somewhere in a corner or suffering from Bleeding Ear Syndrome) watch it again on mute. You will see exactly what I mean when I say that I wasn’t aware humans were capable of making such contorted faces.
Number Two
Dane Cook’s name in the opening credits. Imagine you are sitting in a dark theater. The previews are finally over, and the movie begins. Names fade on and off the screen, informing you of who will be acting in the movie. At first there are the obvious ones—the stars you saw in the online trailers and commercials. Then, there are the supporting cast members—the names that surprise you, or in some cases, terrify you. It is in this moment that you see a name so vile, so unworthy of even a split second of screen time that all you can do is cringe in disgust and shudder in fear. It is he-who-must-not-be-named himself: Dane Cook.
I’ll be the first to admit that his stand-up makes me laugh. He is a funny guy—who should stick to stage comedy. Dane murders movies. I don’t know what it is about him, but as soon as he enters the screen, funny exits on the other side. And what remains? Did anybody actually find a way to sit through My Best Friend’s Girl? Horrifyingly bad. I would rather watch bread mold than be subjected to that jumbled mess that Lions Gate Films calls a movie ever again. So heed these words: whenever you see Dane Cook’s name on the silver screen, run. Run, and don’t look back.
Number Three
The Spiderman 3 sidewalk strut scene. You know what I mean. Even the die-hard Marvel fans can admit that the horrendous prance in Spiderman 3 by Peter Parker (played by Tobey Maguire, who was equally bad) was just plain scary. After being turned evil by a dollop of black alien goo, Spidey adapts a new “emo” look—which in my opinion, already made the whole movie horrifying—and sways down the streets of Manhattan in some sort of super-awkward off-key swagger. The first (and last) time I saw it, I literally started cringing out of embarrassment for Maguire. Was this supposed to display Parker’s newfound egotistical manner, or was it simply a joke that went too far that someone forgot to remove from the movie during the editing process? I guess we’ll never know.
Number Four
Shaq in Kazaam. I just don’t understand. Why do people insist on putting athletes in movies? It never works. At least we usually only have to suffer through a small cameo role. But Shaquille O’Neal in the starring role of a movie? Come on, did you want your movie to fail miserably? His acting is nothing short of petrifying. It had the excitement of a dial tone. And Kazaam is a kid’s movie. Those poor children. Shaq should be ashamed of himself. Maybe instead of attempting to act, he should have taken the time to work on his free throws.
I remember watching this as a kid, but for those who don’t remember, or who (thankfully) never saw it, this movie is about a boy and his genie—played by Shaq. Be afraid.
Number Five
The Happening. Everything about it. I understand that this movie was supposed to be a little scary, and I understand that this article is about unintentionally scary movie moments, but this movie may be the most unintentionally scary of all. The parts that are supposed to be scary are not because of suspense build-up, or because of a monster or evil villain, or even because of something popping out of nowhere. This movie is scary because every feature of the film—the acting, the directing, the editing, the effects, the entire premise—is so ridiculously awful. As soon as anyone mentions this movie now, I immediately want to fall to the floor and assume the fetal position. It is a movie lover’s nightmare, a disgrace to cinema. I can’t even begin to list every appalling aspect, so I’ll offer an explanation of the plot (borrowed from Netflix) and hope that you will understand my fear.
“When a deadly airborne virus threatens to wipe out the northeastern United States, teacher Elliott Moore and his wife flee from contaminated cities into the countryside in a fight to discover the truth. Is it terrorism, the accidental release of some toxic military bio weapon –or something even more sinister?”
In case you were wondering, it’s nothing sinister. It’s plants. Yes, plants. Plants are wiping people out—killing people. Oh, and when this synopsis says “wipe out,” it is referring to the twist that the plants are releasing an evil toxin that makes everybody kill themselves. I’m not kidding. There is a scene in this movie in which people are running from the wind. The Happening is pure, horrifying, movie garbage. This is not a drill, repeat, this is not a drill. Stay far away. Avoid this movie at all costs.
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