If you’re anything like me, you’ll notice yourself becoming more sluggish and inactive during the cold winter months. I take longer naps, workout at the bare minimum level and only go outside when absolutely necessary. Luckily for me, my appetite also seems to level off; but even cutting back on meals isn’t a guaranteed way to stay slim through hibernation season. Yet there is no way of getting myself out of a warm bed and slogging across the muddy grass to the gym.
Isn’t there an alternative? Yes. Does it involve dark sunglasses and baggy sweaters? Not in the slightest. The solution to your workout needs is sitting in your dorm room, just waiting for the chance to assist you in bulking up or slimming down. May I introduce to you, for your body-sculpting pleasure, the Prison Gym Workout.
This is not a pansy new diet plan from South Beach, nor is it a collection of barrel-chested, self-esteem boosting videos by John Basedow. It is a time-tested method of strengthening all the parts of your body required for survival, whether you’re resisting arrest or fighting for food in the cafeteria.
Ever wonder why most guys in prison are so built? Sure, a modern day American prison closely resembles most of the scenes starring Russel Crowe in “Gladiator,” but inmates also work out a lot, too. Trapped within a small cell, surrounded by solid concrete and a variety of sturdy metal work for sleeping or sitting, inmates still manage to better themselves through sweat and a little time investment. With the following instructions, you can reinvent yourself by Spring Break 2010.
1) The best exercises (the ones that get the best, most sustainable results the fastest) aren’t done with fancy machines or heart rate monitors. Leonardo DiCaprio’s character got fit in three minutes flat in “The Departed” without leaving his cell or even thinking about taking a Pilates class. How is this possible? He used his own body for weight and good old gravity for resistance. There are a variety of painful possibilities when it comes to push ups, and they can be done with little to no equipment. Combining push-ups, squats, and leaps gives you the Burpee (check Youtube for examples), which is surprisingly difficult and effective considering how simple the exercise is.
Junior Ryan Henson, a long time pursuer of Prison Gym excellence, suggests doing “dips off of thick stacks of assorted literature classics, War and Peace, Capital, The Republic.”
I recently found a bunch of text books that I supposedly bought off Amazon to “read for classes” and immediately began using them for their true purpose: shredding my shoulders.
2) Just because you’re not running on a track doesn’t mean you don’t have to stretch. There’s nothing like a hyperextension on a cold muscle to really hamper your training session. It also doesn’t mean that you aren’t increasing your cardiovascular ability by avoiding the stationary bike. In fact, some estimates out there in the vast expanse of space that is the Internet suggests that at a heightened speed for a long enough period of time lifting weights (or crushing yourself in your Prison Gym) can give you the benefits of running a six minute mile, aerobically.
3) Finally, I’d like to add a new twist to the old Gym theory. Of course, this workout started in jails, but when adapting it for home use, it’s fine to modernize it. I’d like to introduce the updated Prison Gym Workout: The Accessory. As a primal beast within an icy cage during winter, your hibernating mind may not be able to comprehend fancy machines in the LFC, but I’m pretty sure you can handle lifting a jug of water above your head. Every Prison Gym could and should be unique, to fit each individual.
On that note, while the guys in Saint Mary’s C are using a pumpkin left over from Halloween to do their triceps workouts, feel free to use the chair from your desk to do bicep curls.
Sophomore Caitlin Wolfe said that a “dorm chair is decent for incline push ups... if it doesn’t move,” another great idea. You could also look into getting a workout ball, which makes a variety of exercises more intense, while opening some core-enhancing options for all users.
To wrap up, keep it simple and keep it quick. Your warm up stretches could lead into lunges, burpees, pull ups (on anything taller and more stable than yourself), push ups, sit ups, and maybe some dead lifts using the head or foot boards on your bed. Cool down by looking at yourself in the mirror and flexing, and thinking about how ridiculous your workout just was, using only dorm-found equipment. Remember not to over do it, and you should be able to stave off the boredom and lethargy that develop during the coldest times of the year.
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